TeleChimp

Brace yourselves America, because you are about to watch one of the funniest episodes in Office history. Will Michael break things off with his mistress Donna? Can Dwight and Angela ever resolve their contract? How long will it be before Jim and Pam can get back into the swing of the office life? All your questions, and more, are about to be answered…

The episode opens with Toby showing the office a new series of Radon Test Kits. He wants to make sure Michael hears about them, especially because he has thrown three of them out in his office (twice by mistake, and one for “spite”). Michael tries to make a couple jokes in order to make the his employee feel stupid, but he goes way too far by saying, “If I were in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice!” Oh, Michael. Luckily, Dwight and the gang steer this awkward conversation into one about discussing curved bullets, Creed’s “favorite James Mcavoy movie Wanted, and a demonstration by Dwight.

As we found out last week, Donna, our favorite boss’ new love, was in fact married. When Michael gets his heart broken, it stalls the office, and in order to keep that from happening this time, Pam and Erin plan a party filled with special ice cream and a viewing of Mr. Bean. However, when Michael arrives to the office, he seems completely fine, and acts as if nothing is wrong. Hmm, this is strange. Something doesn’t add up.

In order to settle the dispute over their now debouched “child-rearing contract,” Angela and Dwight hire a mediator. Things are tense, as Angela vows to “own his farm” by the end, while Dwight plans to commit “legal Jujustu.” Meanwhile, Pam and Jim are confused as to why Michael is not upset, but Andy assures them that just like in the movie Big, their boss may have just matured over night.

In a stunning turn of events, the couple invites Michael over for a rousing night of Billy Joel Rock Band and fun, but he respectfully declines. Pam finally accuses Michael of staying with Donna, and he admits to his actions. He figures that because Scranton can be compared to Paris, “it is wrong for a woman to have less than four lovers.” Plus, he believes Donna’s high school baseball coach husband will never find out. To shut everyone up, Michael declares a ten-minute moment of silence for the great, late, Michael Jackson. Excuse me from this recap as I now rock out to MJ’s “PYT.”

In a last stitch effort to show Michael that he is in the wrong, Andy suggests they go to a baseball game where Donna’s husband is coaching. They head over to the event, spot the husband, and none of this gets done without Andy making a complete fool out of himself (heckling, chanting, and being completely out of hand). Back at the office, Gabe calls Jim and Pam into his office in order to scold them for dozing on the job. He also wants to talk about a certain printer virus, but as he begins to talk, Jim starts to fall asleep, again. Stay up, Jim. We don’t want you to be suspended for a second time!

During the final round of negotiations regarding the baby contract, the lawyer (after seeing the Benjamin-Button clause) decides it is quite firm, and although he can’t enforce two adults conceiving a child, he can award damages to Angela, and it is upwards of $30,000. Instead of making Dwight pay,  where the two have intercourse five times. Of course, he agrees. Let the games begin!

Back at the game, Donna’s husband, Coach Shane, is high-fiving his players and being supportive, but this infuriates Michael. Andy, being awkward as usual, approaches the coach and tries to get some information about his feelings towards Donna. After Shane figures out that Andy and Michael aren’t a gay couple (however, they are “gay for baseball”), he notifies them that he does in fact love his wife. Michael shakes Shane’s hand, and the boss feels instantly guilty for embracing a man that he is doing wrong to.

After arriving back at Dunder Mifflin, Michael hands out orange slices (courtesy of Dylan’s Mom), and the employees speak their mind. No one condones this affair, and honestly, Michael doesn’t care. In order to reward himself, he eats a piece of Meredith’s birthday cake. This inspires Ryan to feel invigorated, and he suggests a ménage à trois between him, Kelly, and Erin. Let’s just say, that doesn’t go over well.

Dwight is forced to honor his sex contract, but in order to “not give Angela the good stuff,” he drums, phonebook crushes, and microwaves his testicles. I can honestly say I have never laughed harder at a montage in The Office history. Meanwhile, Darryl informs an exhausted Jim and Pam that there is a “restful” location in the warehouse where the workers often nap. They are enticed, and race down to find their little slice of sleep heaven.

In the end, Michael’s guilt catches up with him, and he doesn’t make it to the motel to meet Donna. As Jim and Pam are trying to fall asleep in the warehouse, they hear Dwight and Angela beginning their contractual obligations (cough, cough). Also, I can honestly say this is one of my favorite episodes this series has ever produced.

So, what have we learned today America? Cheaters never prosper, a contract is a contract, and sleeping in your office can be more comfortable than your bed at home. Now, thanks to Andy’s suggestion, I’m going to go and watch Obsessed. Beyonce does really kick ass in that movie.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Sometime in the far future, after the zombie apocalypse and the Seldon-predicted collapse of the empire, historians will look back at this period and try to puzzle out just who Simon Cowell was. A king? A sentient robot? A god?

It’ll be hard for them to understand — did a British guy in a nipple-hugging sweater really have more ink written about him than Lady Gaga and Lindsey Lohan combined?

But it’s true: Simon’s departure from ‘American Idol’ and the domino effect it’s had on America’s favorite show has dominated the news for months. Last week, I followed the reports about the show’s judging changes like they were dispatches from the front line of a war.

The thing that’s surprised me most about the search to replace Simon (and Ellen … and Kara) is that no one has suggested the simple fix for the problem: the producers should have let America vote on it.

Simon Cowell is a singular talent. There aren’t many people on the planet who can tell the truth and remain likable, let alone do it on TV. Anyone who watches ‘American Idol’ knows that he’s the real star of the show; the kids doing advanced karaoke are just an excuse to hear what Simon is going to say about them.

Let’s put it this way: if being the mean judge on a nationally televised talent show was baseball, then Simon Cowell would have a bat with “Wonderboy” carved in it. He’s that good.

It makes sense that when the most popular part of America’s favorite show decides to leave it makes news. What doesn’t make sense is that the ‘American Idol’ producers have decided that the best way to replace him is to simply shove a big-name star into the slot and hope that they’re just as good as Simon.

History shows us that whoever they choose will probably suck. Remember all the copycat shows that followed in the wake of ‘AI’s success in the early 2000s? Every single one of them attempted a Simon-styled “mean judge” who only served to prove how hard it was to be equal parts honest, real, and likable.

What the ‘Idol’ producers are doing with the rumored additions of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler is trying to slot stars so big into the Simon role that we’ll ignore whether or not they have any skill at judging. Is J-Lo being honest and entertaining? Who cares, she’s Jenny from the Block!

The writing is on the wall: ‘American Idol’ is a season and a half away from cancellation. The only way it could be more obvious is if the new judges were Ted McGinley and the Great Gazoo.

It didn’t have to be this way. The producers could have revitalized the show and found a worthy successor to Simon at the same time. All they had to do was follow the philosophy they pay lip service to at the start of every season: they should have done a national talent search for Simon’s seat.

Imagine if instead of awkwardly shoving J-Lo into Simon’s chair (insert J-Lo big booty joke here), the producers instead put together a rotation of ten wannabe Simons. Make it a mixture of unknowns and celebrities. As they judge the competition, we judge them — voting each week on who our favorite judges were.

Of course, this could only really work in the pre-taped early rounds, where it’d be possible to insert multiple judges into the mix. Also, the actual mechanics of how it would work would have to be ironed out (by someone smarter than me, obviously).

Regardless of the details of how you’d get it to work, letting us choose the judge would create interest in ‘American Idol’ again. Further, there’s a chance, however slim, that we might be able to find someone just as good as Simon. If that happens, the show recaptures its place as the most important show on TV and gets another five years of cultural relevancy.

The answer to ‘American Idol’s’ problem is so obvious that it forces us to ask why, exactly, it’s not letting America decide who the next judge is. The fact that they’re not reveals Hollywood’s ongoing contempt for the public.

Here’s what I mean: the producers know that ‘American Idol’ was never about the singing. They’re smart enough to realize that Simon has been the real star of ‘AI’ all along. The singing part was arbitrary; you could have made the competition about anything — dancing, gardening, parkour, cheese-making, or dungeon-mastering — and people would have watched the show to see what Simon said about it.

(Be honest, if they got rid of the whole singing thing and just had Simon Cowell going around judging random people doing their jobs you’d watch, right? Of course you would.)

Because the singing really doesn’t matter, that’s what America gets to vote on. Each year, we choose a winner who (more likely than not) will disappear in a cloud of reality-show smoke faster than a cast-off from ‘Tool Academy’. And, while we’re busy texting in our votes for an irrelevant winner, the producers are in charge of all the important things: the show’s format, the hosts, the guest stars, and the judges.

If the producers had any faith in the American people to pick a real American Idol, they’d let us pick the judge.

For as much as ‘American Idol’ changed TV, it’s still a very old-fashioned show. The audience interaction that built the foundation of the show’s popularity is a sham: when it comes to the real meat of the show, the producers don’t really care what you have to say. Just shut up, sit down, and absorb some awkward Coca-Cola product placement.

It’s time for ‘American Idol’ to actually let America make a real decision. Let us choose the judge! We’re more than qualified to root out talent. We found Justin Bieber, didn’t we!?

Popularity: 3% [?]

‘Project Runway’ needs a little something to “make it work” again, and the fashion competition would benefit from taking a page from the ‘American Idol’ book by shaking up its judges panel. (Sorry, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors, but where are the fireworks?)

All the ‘American Idol’ speculation has created even more buzz around the show. That’s one benefit, but hopefully new judges will also take the show to a whole new entertainment level.

And ‘Idol’ is not alone when it comes to reality shows that have gotten stale. Far from it, actually. From ‘Project Runway’ to various dance competitions, here are six shows that could use some new blood.

1. Project Runway
Be honest, have you kept up with this once mega-popular show after it moved to Lifetime? Thought so. A move to Los Angeles didn’t inject any life into this flailing fashion competition, but maybe getting rid of Nina Garcia and Michael Kors would. ‘Project Runway’ suffers from a common reality show ailment: The audiences know exactly what each judge will say about a specific garment. To make ‘Runway’ more relevant, why not add Karl Lagerfeld to the panel? He has well-documented beef with Heidi Klum (hello, drama!), serious fashion credentials and he’s pretty darn sassy.

2. Dancing With the Stars
Yes, Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli have dance cred, but similarly to ‘Runway,’ they’ve all become very predictable. A typical ‘DWTS’ contestant will receive nice, pleasant compliments from Carrie and disgruntled gruff from Len, while Bruno will either jump on the table while speaking incredibly fast in a fit of joy or frustration. It’s tired. Guest judges would help make the show more interesting, especially if the judges choreographed that week’s dance routines for the contestants.

3. Top Chef Masters
Original flavor ‘Top Chef’ has made household names out of Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons. ‘Masters’ has not only failed to find a gripping panel of judges, but it also needs a new host. It’s fun to watch seasoned chefs get their cooking on, but all that enjoyment gets sucked out by the boring judges/host combo. Past ‘Masters’ winners Ricky Bayless and Marcus Samuelsson would be more than welcome on the judging panel. As for host, Nigella Lawson would be divine.

4. America’s Got Talent
This panel has never made sense. Piers Morgan is there because … he’s on the British version? Sharon Osbourne because … she managed Ozzy’s career for so long? Howie Mandel because … he helped out NBC stay afloat with ‘Deal or No Deal’? We failed to find real legitimate reasons as to why the current judging panel exists. ‘AGT’ is such a bizarre talent competition that the panel needs to be more eclectic. Where’s the dance expert? It just seems completely out of balance. Bigger names that actually make sense to be on the judging panel would elevate this competition to new levels.

5. America’s Next Top Model
After 1410518539 cycles, maybe it’s time to rein in Tyra Banks — if that’s even possible. We’re not saying get rid of her altogether, but restrict her presence. ‘Top Model’ certainly needs some sort of invigoration. Vogue editor-at-large André Leon Talley made the show more respectable in the fashion world, but the stakes need to be higher and the show needs to be hipper. Why not add a relevant model like Brooklyn Decker to the judging panel? She’s young, experienced and becoming a household name.

6. So You Think You Can Dance
Did you ever think you’d miss Mary Murphy’s screeching? This season, not only do judges Mia Michaels and Adam Shankman talk for too long, but they also say the same things. Where’s the variety? ‘SYTYCD’ used to benefit from a great rotating cast of guest judges, please let them come back. (Lil C, we miss your weird metaphors and allusions!)

7. Chopped
The challenge of cooking with absurd ingredients is what draws audiences to this show, but the judging panel has the ability to make even the biggest foodie change the channel. The judges are boring and too mean. They’re sort of the second-stringers of the Food Network, which is why it’s weird when big names such as Mark Bittman and Marcus Samuelsson show up. The Food Network should lend some of its top talent to the series. It’d be fun to watch Bobby Flay be utterly disgusted by pork crusted with Fruit Loops and cauliflower marinated in tequila. Some heavy-hitters would do this show good.

Popularity: 2% [?]

It all started in Chicago, where we learned what it takes to be a paint salesman and a diabetic mom. Douchecentric shots of the both of them make magic hands at the camera in a blurry sped-up Times Square naked-Alanis kind of world, and it’s time! It’s finally time!

You know, everybody always says it’s the worst year ever. Every single year, worst year ever. And round about this time in the season, I’ve gone through that dark scary tunnel of resentment and come out the other side. But this year? Meh. Taylor Hicks and Jordin Sparks are in the audience, reminding me how exhausting this show always is, but still. I don’t think it’s just bitching nerds and I don’t think it’s the fifty-some hours of the season. I think this season just really is lame.

And I was thinking about it today before the finale, like, is that true and if so why, and I think it has to do with authenticity. Great word. Central word. What that word means to me is that you go through life to a certain age and then realize that it’s just easier to be honest. Whether that’s good things or bad things, you’re better off just looking at the truth about yourself and realizing that there’s nothing really to hide behind and not really a great reason to even try.

And if you feel like bending the truth or refusing to acknowledge the tiny cruddy things you do throughout the day, you can think on this word authenticity and remember that there’s not really a great reason to stay hidden. Even if you’re just admitting to yourself that you’re angry or being selfish or could have done something better, that is to our mutual benefit to get over yourself. Hopefully you can train yourself to hold up every thought and action against the question — is this me being authentic or is this propaganda — and automatically be more honest.

But what we mean here, when we talk about authenticity, is not the same thing at all. To be authentic on this show is to give a strong illusion of honesty, a sort of see-through vulnerability or trustworthiness. Kara talks about it all the time, they all talk about “connecting” to the song and this sort of thing, but it’s queasy because basically what they’re being asked to do is give the illusion of having no illusions.

You can do this by eating and fully digesting the spectacle, which is how Adam accomplished it. You can do this by skating on the surface so well that the outside and the inside, the form and function, are basically the same: That’s Ryan. But the kind that appeals to me is the kind that Simon is about, which is generally about taking whatever thing you think you’re selling and automatically pick it up and look underneath it, at the worms and the weirdness it’s covering up.

Popularity: 3% [?]

The wife and I began watching Whedon’s short-lived, but masterful, television series Firefly again last night.  For me it was the second time on dvd (after watching it on Fox during its original run), and for the wife it was the first.

The show holds up as well or better than it did when originally broadcast in 2002.  Though Whedon has a great sense of humor, Firefly is his most tragic work, following the crew of the spaceship Serenity about the planets as they run from the demons of their past, principal of which is that many of them were on the losing side of a stellar civil war in which the central-planet “Alliance” (forces of progressivism, nationalism, multi-planet corporations, state security, big government, or if you want to summarize it as a whole, “the East”) crushed the outer-system Browncoats (so named because they couldn’t afford uniforms) or “Independents” (anarcho-syndicalism, libertarianism, mom-and-pop commerce,  minarchism, “the West”).

Plus a subplot about government mind control that can’t be revealed because it would spoil the conclusion of the series, the somehow-produced, and somehow-profitable, science fiction film Serenity.

And of course Fox, where good television goes to be born only to suffer infanticide at the hands of executives, ruined the show, broadcasting a tragic space-opera serial out of order because some of the episodes they front-loaded were funnier than the intended earlier episodes.  So normal people watching the show had no idea what was going on.  It was cancelled before its full run was complete, due to low ratings.  Today Firefly lives only on dvd.

And it did occur to me, if HBO or Showtime, networks which aren’t afraid to challenge audiences and which take the long view, had access to the show, it might have had its second or third or fourth season.  Hell, Big Love is now on its fifth season.

And which comes back round to my other point.  Firefly, as cool a piece of anti-authoritarian agitprop as was ever made, is more relevant today than ever.  In 2002 only freaks on the left or the libertarian fringe feared their government and their banks.  Today, everyone fears the Man.

If you’ve never seen Firefly, I strongly urge you to watch the show in the original order. And wear your brown coat with pride.

Popularity: 3% [?]

While last week’s season premiere of PSYCH was a bit underwhelming and complicated with too many new characters running around, this week’s episode was brilliant in its simplicity. In order to solve the murder of a young woman who drowned when her car sank to the bottom of a lake, the regular investigative teams of Shawn and Gus and Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara got switched up. Lassiter took Gus as a partner, due to his pharmaceutical knowledge and tap dancing ability (more on that later), while O’Hara was stuck with Shawn. What followed was an hour of jealousy, competition and tons of jokes between the two teams, further proving that PSYCH doesn’t need a complicated mystery in order to deliver an excellent episode.

My favorite part about this episode was the idea: the pairing of Lassiter and Gus never even crossed my mind, but it was great concept if only for one episode. Little in-jokes like Lassiter allowing Gus to interject his thoughts on the case or introducing him by his actual name instead of a nickname were a nice play on PSYCH’s long-running bits. It was also nice to see long-time partners Shawn and Gus engage in some friendly competition, and if the murder got solved than all the better. By focusing on the main characters and limiting the suspects, there was more opportunity to pack the episode with jokes. Last week’s episode got too caught up in suspects and their possible motives and that cut down on the comedy. Frankly, I didn’t care who committed the murder in this episode because I was too busy laughing at Shawn, Gus and the utter delight on Lassiter’s face as he learned to tap dance.

The origin of the Lassie/Gus team-up was a little thin, but given the tone of this show, perfectly acceptable: on the advice of his therapist, Lassiter was told to get out of his comfort zone. Knowing that Gus attended a tap dancing class, he begrudgingly asked to join. Tap dancing had an immediate positive effect on Lassiter – it gave him clarity and allowed him to see the case in a way he couldn’t before. Breaking away to do a little meditative tap dancing became a running gag throughout the episode, ending with a hilarious revelation in the show’s final minute. Detective Lassiter’s epiphany about the identity of the “West-side Rapist” might seem ho-hum on a regular cop show, but when the discovery occurs on-stage, next to children wearing fedoras and tap shoes, it’s a perfect way to tie up the episode.

Of course, we knew the pairing of Lassiter and Gus wouldn’t last long. While Lassie was following protocol, Gus was followed his gut and investigating the murder on his own. Not surprisingly, Shawn was doing the same thing – splitting from O’Hara and following his instincts. The PSYCH detectives discovered that they both thought the main suspect was innocent but used different clues to come to the same conclusion. They also discovered that they’d much rather eat, rest, and make jokes than file paperwork or follow proper police procedure. In the end, it’s just as well. It was fun while it lasted, and we got some funny scenes of Gus and Lassiter tapping side-by-side and Shawn driving O’Hara crazy, but we all know the PSYCH detectives belong together.

Popularity: 10% [?]

Has PSYCH reached Season 5 already? Wow. Not that I’m complaining, it’s just that time flies when Shawn and Gus are having fun. After having their way with so many classic movie genres (horror, adventure, Western, etc.) over the course of the series, PSYCH finally got to check another notable one off their list in this season premiere: the martial arts film. In addition, we picked back up from where we left off last season: with Shawn’s father Henry taking a job with the Santa Barbara Police Department and Juliet recovering from her harrowing near-death experience at the hands of still-at-large serial killer Mr. Yin. Like many of PSYCH’s season premieres, this one was about average. I was hoping for a bit more of an interesting mystery, but as usual, the performances by James Roday and Dule Hill made up for the overly familiar story.

The plot (as they alluded to on many occasions) was Romeo and Juliet or West Side Story with an Asian twist. The children of rival Triad gang leaders fell in love and had to hide their relationship, or else a full-scale war between the gangs would break out. Their tryst was discovered by the evil brother of one of the lovers, which led to betrayal, kidnapping, scheming and a couple of fight scenes.

As far as original stories go, this wasn’t one of PSYCH’s strongest, and things got a bit muddled in the middle of the episode. It was difficult to figure out who was part of which Triad family, especially when everyone was wearing ninja outfits. However, it did lead to Shawn taking a children’s martial arts class and getting his overinflated ego kicked a few times, which was highly entertaining.

- USA

The boys are back

Normally I would have a problem with PSYCH settling for an uninspired villain such as the Triads, simply because they’re the villains in EVERY movie featuring Asian actors. Hell, I’m pretty sure they were the villains in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But fortunately, they played up this cliche by introducing a new character, Ken, who was Shawn and Gus’ recently fired secretary, who also happened to be Asian. Poor Ken became their de facto “in” into the world of Asian gangs, even though he barely spoke Chinese and knew nothing about the Triads. I loved that he called them on their stereotypical behavior and I loved Shawn and Gus’ serious backpedalling as a result.

Speaking of stereotyping and racism, by far the best scene of the episode was Gus’ take-down of the lowly worker at the martial arts studio, (which also happened to be the secret hideout of one of the gangs.) Normally Shawn gets the big speech with funny references and over-dramatic hand gestures, but this time out, they gave it to Gus, who did not disappoint. His tirade against the racist, ageist and exclusionary practices of the dojo (which really weren’t any of these things) was a great way to give Dule Hill the spotlight while also moving along the investigation. I really hope Gus asserts himself more this season, not only because he’s a great character, but because his style as a detective is a different type of controlled chaos than Shawn’s. A little bit smoother perhaps.

As for the other developments in the episode, I understand they needed to do something with Shawn’s dad, but putting him back on the force was unnecessary. And on top of that, putting him in charge of police consultants (i.e. Shawn and Gus) doesn’t feel organic. It reminds me a little of the talent show episode of The Brady Bunch where the only participants in the entire school were the Brady kids and their parents. No one else had talent? By the same token, no one else could do Henry’s job? Why do the characters all need to work in the same place? Shawn already has a foil at the police station in Detective Lassiter, so why add another? I liked Henry’s perspective as an outsider. I liked that he was a fresh pair of eyes. Now there’s just more conflict for the sake of adding conflict, and there was plenty of that on the show already.

I did appreciate how they didn’t gloss over Juliet’s traumatic experience in last season’s finale and that she had to take some time off from the SBPD. I also liked how Shawn helped her get back in the saddle by being his charmingly persistent and annoying self. Once again, we’re back to square one with these two, but I’m not going to worry about it this season. They’ve strung us along for five seasons, so if something happens, so be it. As for the episode in general, it was okay, but PSYCH is capable of much more. I’m looking forward to another strong season of notable cameos, funny pop culture references and Shawn and Gus solving crimes by any means necessary.

Popularity: 43% [?]

Advance Review: In USA Network’s newest original series, Covert Affairs, Piper Perabo plays Annie Walker, a fresh-faced CIA recruit who is suspiciously fast-tracked to full agent after only a few days of training. Annie believes her knowledge, good looks, high test scores and mastery of 6 languages got her the gig. Of course, when it comes to the CIA, nothing is what it seems. During the episode, we find out more about why her bosses are so interested in Annie, and what that means for her future. The series has promise, but it’s still missing a few key elements that make USA’s other original shows so appealing.

Covert Affairs has all the DNA of a USA Network original program. It’s a one-hour action show centered around a particularly stressful line of work, and there’s the requisite supporting cast made up of family and co-workers. And fitting the mold of other USA shows, each episode concerns a specific case or mission, while a season-long arc runs concurrently.

My biggest issue with Covert Affairs, particularly because it’s so linked to the other USA Network original programs, is that it lacks the same light-hearted tone and well-drawn characters as those shows. I’m not saying it needs to generate laughs like a sitcom, but even a show as violent and suspenseful as Burn Notice always manages to give the audience a wink once in a while. There’s a certain devilish charm that characters like Shawn Spencer, Michael Westen and Neal Caffrey possessed on their first episodes, but Annie Walker doesn’t have that yet.

In addition, everyone on Covert Affairs is played way too straight. Even a staple of comic relief, the “tech guy”, Auggie (played by Christopher Gorham from Ugly Betty), isn’t as witty as he needs to be. There’s a ton of other good actors on the series (most notably Peter Gallagher from The O.C. and Anne Dudek from House), but they don’t do much besides standing around looking serious. It’s a shame, because USA Network is synonymous with the “Characters Welcome” mantra and so far, I don’t feel connected to any of them.

On the bright side, this series is from Doug Liman, director of The Bourne Identity, which means there are some cool action scenes and a nice car chase. Hopefully as Annie gains more experience, her missions will become more and more complicated. Although they certainly gave her a baptism by fire on her first one, which, predictably, didn’t go smoothly.

I really wanted to like this show more than I did, possibly because I think the first season Alias is one of the best seasons of television ever and I long for another show about a female agent going on missions and kicking ass. Covert Affairs isn’t as complicated as Alias, nor does it have the sci-fi/fantasy element that show had, but it does have promise and Annie Walker could be a nice addition to USA’s stable. They just need to let her (and the rest of the cast) have more fun and loosen things up a bit.

Popularity: 31% [?]

Advance Review: Syfy is looking to step up its original programming this summer with Haven, an ambitious new supernatural drama that is certainly a worth a look as far as summer series go, but ultimately fails to distinguish itself as an engrossing thriller.

The premise involves Audrey Parker (Emily Rose), an FBI agent assigned to investigate the disappearance of an ex-con. This leads her to Haven, a small picturesque community on the coastline of Maine. Agent Parker soon discovers however that a few of the locals have some supernatural abilities that they don’t teach at the academy.

The show is touted as being based on the Stephen King story The Colorado Kid, a 2005 hard-boiled mystery novella, but an “inspired by” banner would have been more appropriate. Other than the small town setting and female lead, the creators daringly draw more from King’s paranormal works than the detective novel. The result is a show that may pique the interest of Twin Peaks, X-Files and Heroes fans, but doesn’t display any potential to live up to those series.

The cast assembled for Haven includes no household names, but avid TV watchers will recognize a few familiar faces. Emily Rose has a few episodes of ER and Brothers and Sisters under her belt while Eric Balfour has appeared on 24 numerous times as Milo Pressman. This is the first time that most of the leads have been asked to carry a show. Fortunately, they seem comfortable doing so.

Rose is refreshing as female FBI heroine Audrey, who brushes off any notions of obnoxiousness or incompetence. Lucas Bryant (Queer as Folk) is likeable enough as local cop Nathan Wournos and Balfour is perfectly suited for the role of a smooth talking small time smuggler. Believe it or not, Haven has some humor blended in, and the witty dialogue is actually the most memorable aspect of the pilot.

Perhaps the show’s biggest misfire is the failure to make the seaside town of Haven a mysterious enough locale to warrant naming the show after it. Interesting visuals, enigmatic locals, and just an overall sense of eeriness are strangely absent. Other than some unfavorable weather patterns, Haven seems more suited for a bed and breakfast weekend than the setting of a Stephen King adaptation.

Writing/producing team Sam Ernst and Jim Dunn (The Dead Zone) have pegged their project as a standalone show in which a viewer can tune in to any episode and enjoy the case that week. Watching the pilot however, it is evident that the series is more suited for some heavy mythology. The community of Haven holds a secret, and watching Parker put together the mystery of the town piece by piece will make for a far more entertaining season than formulating each episode to be accessible to first time viewers. Perhaps the writers will try to do both, but a show of this kind just seems naturally suited for serialization.

Don’t expect to see anything in Haven that you haven’t seen before, but it is still worth a try given the limited options the summer season provides. Just consider yourself warned that that the chill factor on this King tale is somewhat mild.

Popularity: 30% [?]

I really enjoyed the ending of “Neighborhood Watch” – both as it related to Michael’s cat and mouse game with the lethally lovely Kendra (Numb3rs‘ Navi Rawat) and the gang’s ultimate handling of the Brett Ratner-esque drug dealer, Cutler (Entourage’s Rhys Coiro), but man, it was a total pain in the ass getting there. Michael had to fight tooth and nail against his client, David (The Shield’s Benito Martinez), and his mom AND Fiona – who kept busting his chops for fake-flirting with Kendra over the phone.

Madeline asked Michael for his help and then she, the rest of the gang and the ungrateful client himself his proceed to second guess Michael at every turn regarding how he’s freaking putting his life on hold to help them deal with violent drug dealers. For free, mind you. You can’t chastise a good Samaritan for how they samartian-ize! Madeline even makes the trip to the loft to yell at Michael once again. It seems to be her thing now. She even hears Michael, on the phone, trying to run a con on the dealer, and rolls her eyes and leaves – blowing a puff of smoke on Michael on the way out. Jesus. If I were Michael I’d run off into the sunset with Kendra and leave the rest of this mess behind him. The worst/best part of this whole thing was that it was Madeline, in the end, who gave Michael advice on how to deal with Cutler. It was brilliantly stupid advice, but the plan worked because, well, it’s Burn Notice and the team can pull off top impossible missions.

Speaking of Kendra. Reowrrr! Am I right? Listen. I’ve never been a huge fan of Fi. There have been moments when she and her sniper rifle have made for good TV (like when she took out Carla – and the hand-shot at end of this episode), but she’s always seemed like more trouble than she’s worth. Her getting jealous over Michael’s innocent phone-repartee with the assassin-babe Kendra just seemed like it was one more unnecessary needle digging in Michael’s neck. I’m throwing it out there right now. Michael and Kendra, sitting in a tree, B-L-A-C-K-O-P! He needs to trade up.

Aside from the occasional bickering, it seems like they’ve run out of things for Jesse to do until he eventually has his “you’re the one who burned me” showdown with Michael. Right now, he’s just been regulated to the guy who also does stuff on the team. The endgame, with the team working together to portray David, the pacifist, as a “you’ve awoken a dormant killer” Clint Eastwood-style mercenary was pretty awesome though. It reminded me of the con the gang ran back in “Friendly Fire” when Michael pretended to be Satan. The briefcase/blade fight at the end between Michael and Kendra was really good too. I’d like to see Michael get into more good, old-fashioned fights.

Oh, and the frosty-haired Sugar was back this episode for no reason. He wound up being a tiny bit of use in the end, but ultimately he showed up only to reveal that he would be of no use whatsoever. Sam was rad of course, taking a slew of punches on purpose so Sugar could escape the strip joint. It’s funny – Sugar’s always painted as being annoying (Sam can barely stand being in the same room with him) and yet he seems like the least annoying element of Michael’s life when you consider that he has to get hen-pecked by Fiona, Madeline and Jesse on a consistent basis.

Popularity: 16% [?]