TeleChimp

The competition got super-serious, even if the houseguests also got a little silly. With their lives on the line, nominees Enzo and Ragan battled it out in this season’s most physical veto competition. But because the house gets pretty dull as the numbers dwindle — especially when everyone gets along — Big Brother subjected the houseguests to their final two Pandora’s Box punishments, which just made everything a little bit goofy. So what were the punishments? Who won the veto? And how were the nominations affected? Let’s find out.

After Lane’s nominations are revealed, Enzo is a little ticked that he is sitting next to Ragan instead of Britney. He begins to question Lane’s loyalty to him, which Ragan also notices. Ragan sees Enzo as the “bottom rung of the ladder” of the Brigade alliance, and since Ragan rightfully feels completely alone in the house, he even plots to sway Enzo into an alliance, should they both somehow survive this week’s eviction.

So Ragan again goes into hardcore study mode and even pumps a little iron. (As always, I am annoyed by the blatant “Eye of the Tiger” knockoff music the show plays during segments like these. It was even punctuated in this episode by Ragan comparing himself to Rocky Balboa. Seriously, either pay for the real song or do something else.) In any case, it’s a good thing Ragan worked out, as he would need some extra strength in the veto competition.

For the competition, Big Brother revived Otev, this time in the form of a Broadway-singing clam. He would sing a song about two evicted houseguests. The players then had to find CDs hidden in the backyard that corresponded to the names. They were, however, mashed up, such as “Mathy” (Matt and Kathy)  or “Rasten” (Rachel and Kristen). Once the CD is retrieved, the houseguests must return to Otev, but each round, the person without a seat — aka the last one back to the podium — is eliminated, unless someone else’s CD is wrong.

And that’s just what happens in the first round. Although Ragan returned to the podium last, he was spared because Lane brought back the incorrect CD. (“Everything is big in Texas, except for Lane’s brain,” Hayden quipped in the diary room.) Hayden and Britney, who calls the competition a “suckfest,” are the next to be bumped off, which leaves the two nominees to battle it out. When the final clue is given, both Enzo and Ragan know exactly where the correct CD is, and the result is a physical mad dash to victory.

Ragan and Enzo basically slide off the podium on top of each other (“Ow!” Ragan cries), and because Ragan has the edge on Enzo, The Meow Meow dives over Ragan to grab the CD. Thanks to Britney’s diary room demands, we get to see the clip in slow-mo a few dozen times. Enzo returns to the Otev first, and wins the power of veto. Ragan throws his CD at the clam, which also hits Enzo in the head. (We also see this in slow-mo a few times). Then Ragan spends the rest of the day sulking while Enzo gloats about finally winning something in the Big Brother house.

Comedy break! After watching Enzo have an official “shunning” ceremony for his penguin costume (which was actually much funnier than the edited-down version CBS showed), Big Brother has fun with the houseguests. After Lane opened Pandora’s Box, the houseguests lost all their cups and utensils for a week. Their second punishment requires every player to wear a sock puppet for 12 hours, and every time they speak, they must do so with the puppet. Kudos to Britney, who filmed some of her diary room sessions using only the puppet.

The final punishment required the houseguests to shake their groove thangs. For 12 hours, when music played randomly through the house, the houseguests had to drop everything they were doing and dance. Enzo and Britney seemed to embrace the punishment the most, the former even doing some Jersey fist-pumping in the shower. Lane and Hayden looked like absolute idiots, but wasn’t that really the point anyway? Also thrown in for laughs: Enzo’s ridiculous lack of understanding about the game of golf. My favorite lines included him calling the clubs “sticks” and wondering why you had to have nine different clubs to play. “Why not just have two sticks, so if one breaks you can use the other?” he says.

So Lane is left to decide who to put up on the chopping block in Enzo’s place. Hayden doesn’t want to be a pawn at all, but Lane feels pressure to honor his side alliance with Britney. Hayden and Enzo actually consider the opportunity to backdoor Britney if Lane puts her up, to have the united front of the Brigade against Ragan.

Unfortunately for the Brigade, Britney works her magic on Lane, telling him that Hayden would beat Lane in the final two. She makes a well-made argument, but doesn’t Lane see that Britney would almost certainly beat him in the Final 2 as well? I suppose Lane is thinking the Brigade will vote for him, but not if he crosses them all on the way to the finale.

In the end, Lane does nominate Hayden in Enzo’s place, which pretty much seals Ragan’s fate. However, Lane confirms in the diary room that he is definitely taking Britney to the finals if given the choice, so the Brigade members better watch their backs next week.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Throughout the course of this season, Danielle Staub has exhibited symptoms of an alarming number of psychological issues. She seems debilitating-ly paranoid and uncomfortably ashamed of herself at points, as when she weaves a strange web of half-truths in what often seems like a sad sort of fame-mongering. However, just because Danielle is paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t really out to get her! It was Dina Manzo, after all, who brought Danielle to a trashy pan-Asian restaurant only to say she’s crazy. And was it not Theresa Giudice who accosted Danielle at a charity event and accused her of being a bitch? (“Is bitch better, bitch?” we quote.) It was Caroline Manzo, even, who lured Danielle to an eerie back-room for an alleged meal only to call her a clown! Meanwhile, Danielle is outnumbered in size and sanity (Caroline’s and Dina’s, at least). So who are the villains here, really?

Is it a vaguely depressed single mother lusting after fame, making herself a victim through a chilling self-fulfilling prophecy? Or her cleavage-heavy co-stars, pointing their fingers at her for largely not articulated reasons that seem to have more to do with Staub’s alleged promiscuity and nuttiness, with which these woman [sic?] clearly resent having to share the screen. Why are they unable to ignore this very clearly unhinged 47-year-old when she makes a few kooky comments in a reality TV confessional booth? Well, last night, in the warm, classy enclave of the Atlantic City Borgata, everyone took shots at Danielle, even though it’s actually been a whole year since most of the women interacted with her. (They really couldn’t let anything go?) Some non-Danielle stuff happened at the reunion too, we think, but we were kind of zoning out for those parts. So here are the official testimonies in the, uh, unprecedented case of Danielle Staub Versus The World:

Teresa:

In a show-stopping floral number, the Skinny Italian made the best case for Danielle Staub’s being an actual witch. Not because we could understand a word Theresa was saying when the synapses in her brain seemed literally to fizzle at the sight of Danielle. No, she made the best case against Danielle because she managed to stay surprisingly calm, maybe even sympathetic, when Andy Cohen listed off the amount of debt the Giuduces were in, purchase by purchase, in an almost poetic way. Teresa said she “loved [her] husband” even more because he hid their rising debts from her, politely disagreeing when Andy Cohen made the repeated, if thinly-veiled, accusation that Teresa’s house was soon to be foreclosed upon and that she was a grifter-in-denial. However! When Danielle merely cast her vacant, brown eyes upon Theresa and asked if she’d visited her nephew recently, the woman went apoplectic. To get to Danielle, Teresa pushed Andy Cohen out of the way like a woman lifting up a Jeep to rescue her kids out from under it.

The official minutes from the testimony read something like, “You straddled somebody in front of your kids. You’re a pig. Look at yourself. You’re disgusting. And desperate. I hate her. Bitch, I don’t talk about you. I’m just doing it right now because we’re on a frickin’ TV show, you skanky whore. She’s – piece – garbage – she – dare – how – she – motherfucking – slut – garbaelaskdglasjgsagsagsagasgasg,” until the exorcism Theresa was undergoing ended and she woke up dazed and confused in Andy Cohen’s arms. Teresa’s seizure-like rage was so sudden and scary that we actually wondered if Danielle was, in fact, a witch who had been chanting some silent spell under her breath, like MaryAnn from True Blood. Other than that … no. There’s not much to say about Theresa other than that.

Caroline:

Caroline almost “gets it,” but Danielle manages to unnerve her too, in the end. The radiant, twenty-five pounds-lighter matriarch rocked a one-shoulder blue dress and told her co-stars not to make a big scene, but they did not listen. Caroline said some pretty awesome stuff, like, “I never insulted [Danielle] for being a stripper. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a stripper, or a prostitute. You wanna strip, strip.” (We would roll the tapes from last season where Caroline definitely did at least imply that there was something wrong with Staub’s stripping, but we’re willing to set that aside and believe she’s since become less judgmental, and good for her!) And after Theresa went bonkers, Caroline said, “She wanted it, you gave it to her. You’re not this person. If you were this person, you wouldn’t be my friend.” Caroline was right, also, to point out that Danielle always evades her actual questions.

But ultimately even Caroline can’t just laugh along with us. She insisted on patronizing Danielle by drawing-out and enunciating her sentences while pointing her finger: “Do. Not. Talk. About. My. Sister.” A throwback to last week’s, “You. Will. Not. Hurt. Me.” Enough with that! She’s not a child getting spanked. And then Manzo ultimately went the whole, “I’ve got a real nuclear family, you don’t” route once again, if more subtly now: “Throw mud,” she said. “But I have a man that’s loved me for 26 years.” Subtext: You’re alone in this world … skank.

Jacqueline Laurita:

Jacquie, rocking a Vegas showgirl-like red frock, really came out swinging last night, muttering about Danielle’s use of “armed guards” when it wasn’t even relevant to the question, within the first minute of this reunion. (And doesn’t her relationship with Danielle almost eerily mimic her relationship with Ashley? First giving them too much of a leash, and then left with all this displaced anger?) She accused Danielle of having sex with someone in front of her own kids. Then this was mitigated to straddling someone in front of her kids. Then she said “someone sent [her]” Danielle’s sex tape. Ha! Please! And she “only watched the preview,” but she knew all about the angles and narrative of the tape? We thinks she may have gotten out some of her, uh, frustrations about Danielle, while watching it. Metaphorically speaking?

So then, ridiculously, she got angry at Danielle for not having called her after she gave birth, even though she has made this enormous point about how much she hates Danielle. (And it was actually intentionally awesome when Danielle was like, Jesus, lady, “Congrats!” You happy now? Woo-hoo. The huge Manzo-Laurita clan, growing ever-bigger.) Then Jacquie struck a low blow about Danielle’s kids: “Do you know they cry at school everyday? They’re in the nurse’s office all the time crying,” apparently because Danielle is so embarrassing. This is actually semi-plausible and sad, but couldn’t it have waited until after the show? So Laurita’s case was weak. All over the place, mean-spirited, and silly. Next!

Andy Cohen:

Subtly, perhaps, the adorable host sneaked in some of the harshest digs in the sketchy form of “user questions” from Bravo.com, or something. “You do flaunt your sexuality in the media a lot,” he said to Danielle, like that was just a fact. And: “Are you swimming in the lady pond?” he demanded to know, of Danielle’s seemingly lesbian, seemingly fake relationship. Then there was the faux-concern he conveyed when talking about Danielle’s sex tapes and her unconvincing denial that she had a hand in their release, saying, “Your legal fees must be astronomical!” Or the question, “How do you explain your sex tapes to your kids?” which was actually just very dark. Of course, Cohen managed to diffuse the scary Theresa-Danielle spat by remaining calm and charming, and he’s the only one besides the viewers who seems to find some of this funny. (It seemed like he actually was about to laugh after Theresa pushed him.) So he was still a positive presence, and he indicted everyone, not just Danielle.

Danielle:

Like most totally paranoid people, Danielle is ultimately her own worst enemy. The only time she seemed to be telling the whole truth or directly answering a question was when she said she wasn’t sleeping with Danny, which is actually incredibly disappointing, because they would be an adorable couple and ripe for a spin-off. Instead of coherently explaining herself and boldly telling these woman to stop judging her, Danielle retreated to her bizarre backstage mafia and chanted, “Amazing things. Amazing things. New beginning. Amazing things,” apropos of nothing. Still, she managed to sit through this and survive. Danielle, contra mundum! We’d be part of her mafia any day.

Popularity: 2% [?]

There’s a new Little Shawn! Okay, there are a lot of other parts to this episode like Chi McBride, ferries, escaped convicts, and Jesus from True Blood, but I can’t concentrate on anything else. Join the investigation in this recap of Wednesday’s standard episode.

1990. Gus and Shawn prepare for a three-legged race in a non-descript field. Whoa! Whoa! That is not Little Shawn. Seriously? What happened to Little Shawn? Our Little Shawn? I love that kid. Shenanigans!

I’m so busy rewinding and re-watching the beginning of last week’s episode — just to make sure I’m not going crazy — to notice that Shawn and Gus are pretty good at the tripod race. They celebrate their assured victory until they realize that only one of them can take home the grand prize of a bike. Ultimately the two settle on racing for the bike, but forget that their legs are still duct-taped together.

Present Day. Shawn’s mad that Gus tricked him into coming aboard a ferry for the purposes of an environmental mission. Hippie spotting! Shawn bemoans Gus’ environmental concern, but is thankful his old buddy isn’t like these guys. Oh, Shawn. Of course Gus is like these guys. Two particularly nerdy dudes named Dan Carter and Carl Carter — aka D.C. and C.C. — make their way over to the Dynamic Duo. They arrive just as Shawn informs the Guster that his seasickness patch has fallen off. Cue the hurried run to the restroom below deck.

It’s Emerson Cod! Well, you may know him as Chi McBride. Tonight, he’s playing the part of Craig the disgruntled armed escort of several convicts on board the ferry.  He lets the boys know that the restroom will soon be occupied by said convicts and is therefore off limits. If Gus were to cut in line, the convicts would peel his head like a grape. Craig’s words, not mine. “The head peel is my fourth greatest fear, Shawn. We can wait.”

Neither Craig nor the convicts mind letting a little kid go ahead of them, though. It’s that darn pee-pee dance, Gus. You better start tapping. Or you could just run off to the other bathroom. Yeah, do that.

While on their way back from the other restroom, our Dynamic Duo hears some muffled sounds coming from a storage room. They open the door and lo and behold they find Craig all tied up. Because this week’s theme is “prison break.”

Credits! Lots of fist bumps! Woo!

And we’re back in the storage room. Ha! I love that Gus is wearing three seasickness patches. Craig is un-amused, however, as the convicts are loose on the ship with his gun. Shawn decides to call his dad, who tells him to stay in constant contact and to stay put — the cops will intercept the boat soon. Most importantly, Henry doesn’t want little Spencer taking matters into his own hands. Not that it matters since little Spencer has been replaced this week with some foreign body.

Shawn, of course, tells Craig and Gus the exact opposite of what his father said. By the time the cops get to the boat, the prisoners will be “halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean.” Oh, sweetie. It’s okay. At least you’re pretty.

Apparently Craig has already talked to the Captain as the first step in on-board prison break protocol has been executed — the boat is stopped.  The Dynamic Duo claims they can handle the now stranded prisoners. They aren’t scared by the life-long hardened criminals. Nuh-uh.

Craig apologizes. “I just assumed y’all was just a couple of punk ass friends from grade school who like to get themselves in different situations and then riff off things at other people’s expense.”

Hippie groupies crowd around D.C. Gus distracts the hippie idol while Shawn grabs their equipment. Craig is pleased with the hippie equipment offering and he has a plan.

Shawn and Gus are above deck watching the convicts try to steal a lifeboat. Gus — in his radio voice — radios the situation to Craig. Unfortunately, Craig can’t reach that part of the boat so the Dynamic Duo will have to tackle the situation from above.  The good news is that Shawn and Gus do stop the convicts from stealing the lifeboat. The bad news is that they, along with everyone else on the boat, are now being held captive at gun point by the convicts. Oh, and they make Shawn call Henry.

On the open seas. The Chief and the rest of the police force are on a boat in a stand-off with the convicts. The main convict, who I shall call Jesus (True Blood fans will understand why), informs the Chief that they will let everyone go if all the escaped prisoners are allowed to go free. Juliet defends Shawn. Aw.

Back in the hostage room, Gus outlines the myriad of other paths Shawn could have taken. Convict No. 2 comes in and demands everyone empty their pockets. Craig tells the Dynamic Duo that they need to create an unexpected emergency.  So, Shawn rips off Gus’ seasickness patches. Hee.

Gus doubles over on the floor and Craig yells for the convicts to help.  Jesus is too quick, though; he knows Gus is just seasick and he orders two of the convicts to take him outside.

Back on the police boat, we learn that the police snipers are almost in position to take out the convicts. Unfortunately, Shawn and Craig are making plans of their own. Again. Craig wants Shawn to pretend to be hardcore by repeating everything the convicts say back at them. “Like an angry question.”

Jesus interrupts, giving Shawn the perfect chance to practice his new “angry question” technique. Again, Jesus is too smart; He feigns surrender and then kicks Shawn in the face.  Just moments later, Shawn is being dragged by Jesus and Convict No. 2 to some undisclosed location when Convicts No. 3 and 4 arrive to inform their fearless leader that snipers are now visible on two of the police boats.

In the first evidence flash of the episode, Shawn notices identical tattoos on each of the men’s necks. Oh, and we learn through Convict No. 2 that Jesus has a “dime piece” waiting for him. Shawn tries to talk the men into letting go the hostages. Jesus decides to use the hostages as human shields instead.

The Chief also tries to reason with Jesus, but eventually decides to send in her task force. Just as the SBPD suits up for action, Jesus and Convict No. 2 take D.C. and C.C. into a small room off deck.  In a few seconds, two gun shots are heard. Eeek. Chills. I’m sure they’re not actually dead, but still.

As a silence descends among the hostage, smoke bombs from the swat team are shot onto the deck and the SBPD begins their assault of the vessel. All four convicts seem accounted for, but it isn’t until the two “injured” men are taken off the ferry that Shawn realizes Jesus and Convict No. 2 dressed as D.C. and C.C.  in order to escape. The guys in the orange jumpsuit are D.C. and C.C. Yeah! They’re not dead! Dirty hippies. Jesus and partner make their escape on one of the medic boats.

SBPD. Everyone is searching for the escaped convicts. Shawn remembers the tattoo and psychics about it during the meeting. The Chief assigns the Dynamic Duo the task of finding any other members of this supposed prison brotherhood. On their way out of the Chief’s office, Shawn and Gus run into Craig who has been fired from his job as prison warden. Well, duh. Lassie says pretty the same thing. “You reek of failure.”

Shawn and Gus try to convince Craig to get back on the horse by hiring him for this case.  Glad to be of use — and to be earning some money — Craig gladly agrees.

Psych offices. Through a phone call, Craig learns that the Jesus’ prison gang was formed five years previously with his cell mate Percy Dunn. Percy is now dead, but his mother is still around and Jesus was one of her G.E.D. students when she taught at the prison. 

At Lorraine Dunn’s house, Gus enjoys some homemade horchata while Shawn questions their hostess about her relationship with the man who I have called Jesus. Lorraine claims that Jesus hasn’t tried to contact her but when Gus spills his drink, she accidentally reveals a bandana that Shawn last saw the escaped convict leader using.  Craig picks up on the signs as well and he sends Shawn in to confront the woman. She caves relatively quickly and tells the team that Jesus went into Percy’s room to “pay his respects.”

Once in Percy’s room, Shawn notices a loose heating vent. He opens up the vent and discovers that Jesus took a key from Percy’s vent.

Lassie is doing his thing at SBPD and briefing the Chief on what the convicts were supposedly driving while taking potshots at Craig. The Chief dismisses Lassie and sends the Dynamic Duo off to search for the missing key.

Craig accesses the prison database and the team learns that Percy Dunn was involved in a robbery where the missing money was never found. Craig notices Juliet’s legs and tries to sweet talk her calling her a “dime piece.” Apparently it means “a hot woman.” Shawn flashes back to Convict No. 2 talking about Jesus’ “dime piece.” That’s a weird sentence to write. The Dynamic Duo and Craig sprint off in search of Jesus’ girlfriend.

Jesus’ girlfriend’s apartment. Jesus’ girlfriend, Patty, is pleading the 5th, but Shawn sees her son playing with a toy car confiscated from one of the boat hostages. Patty admits that Jesus came around making promises about going straight. He even talked about going to church later that night. Shawn realizes, though, that Jesus only wants to go to this church to look for the hidden money.

The Dynamic Duo and Craig sneak into the boarded up church from Percy Dunn’s childhood and immediately spot the convicts among the dust-covered pews. All three find one thing they can use as a weapon and move towards the convicts. Shawn chose poorly with his candle so Gus gives him a Bible to use as a blunt weapon against Convict No. 2’s head. Jesus pulls a gun, but Craig seems to talk him out of shooting Shawn. Well, that seems to be his plan until he pulls a gun on Shawn himself. Dun-Dun-Dun!

 Shawn and Gus are once again being held hostage. Unfortunately, the convicts are duct-taped to a pillar a few feet away and they are mad. Both pairs get free around the same time, but the Dynamic Duo’s three-legged race skills acquired back in 1990 (nice call back!) come in handy here. Shawn and Gus are able to reach a big cabinet just in time to drop it onto the escaped convicts rolling around on the floor.

More three-legged race action! Craig is getting away in the little blue car, so Shawn and Gus decide to cut through the woods to head him off. The three-legged race juice seems to still be with them…until they trip over a tree stump and go rolling down a hill onto the road. They land right in the path of Craig’s get away. Lucky for them, Craig stops just in time. He isn’t cold-hearted, after all, he just needs money to take care of himself and his family. And to start a wine bar in Bangkok. Gus talks Craig into doing the right thing, but Craig fires his gun anyway. Eeek! Oh. He was firing at Jesus and Convict No. 2 who had snuck up behind the Dynamic Duo during the heart to heart. Good for him then.

SBPD. Jesus and Convict No. 2 are now in police custody again.  Craig apologizes for turning on the Dynamic Duo, but Gus points out it’s more important that he did the right thing in the end. “Sounds like the wrap-up to a Scooby-Doo episode,” Shawn mumbles.

Shawn and Gus cover for Craig with the Chief, who informs the former prison guard that the warden is open to giving him back his old job. Also, there’s a $100,000 reward for recovering the money from the old robbery. Despite the kindness of our boys, Craig walks away with all that money. Boo!

Psych offices. Craig really did start that wine bar. He sends the Dynamic Duo pictures, but no money. Gus decides to once again trick Shawn into helping the environment.

Well, this episode felt a little flat after last week’s laugh-fest. I didn’t feel like the lines were as funny and the story was a little predictable. Plus, despite my love of Chi McBride, I really didn’t like Craig. Oh well. They can’t all be hilarious.

What did everyone else think? Were you as distracted by the experience of new Little Shawn as I was? Were you just happy to see Emerson again? Maybe you were happy just to stare at the man who would be Jesus for one more hour of television?

Hop on down below and let us know what you think. As for me, I’m going to continue to obsess over the loss of Little Shawn until I have proof next week that he has been replaced. See you then!

Popularity: 2% [?]

On this week’s episode of Jersey Shore, Ronnie finally gets what was coming to him after Sam finds the “the note” documenting his run-ins with other ladies. And Snooki is now swingin’ single — watch out Miami.

Snooki and J-Woww hit the clubs to celebrate gay pride weekend, but when Snook’s man Emilio finds out she’s been hanging with men — gay or straight — he cops an attitude and Snooki is not having it. She says she’s done with him once and for all. (But wasn’t she done last week too? Maybe this one will stick.)

Vinny, Situation and Pauly come home from the club with two girls in tow, which means one of the boys will be going to bed solo. But wait! There’s a knock on the door, and in comes two more girls that Sitch invited earlier in the evening to stop by (well one of the two — she brought a “grenade” along for the ride). He brings the two sets of girls into two separate rooms so they won’t see each other, and the boys come up with a game plan. Vinny and Pauly get the two girls who came home with them, and Sitch will get the cute girl away from her friend and leave her to fall asleep. Somehow, their plan actually works. How is beyond us.

Meanwhile, Angelina is being worthless  and disregarding everyone’s request that she get off the phone and pull her weight by doing some chores. When Sitch arrives home with groceries for Sunday dinner, he finds Angelina has yet to lift a finger and the two really start to go at it. Ugly words are exchanged, and the next thing you know, Angelina has been banished from family dinner. No raviolis for you! Of course, Sitch feels bad and allows her to partake in the feast as they all eat, drink and be merry — well, for now.

Snooki decides to move on from Emilio, and with the help of her roommates, they gather round a mini-bonfire and torch all pictures and memorabilia of the couple.

But Snooks isn’t the only one with a broken heart during the episode. The girls decide to finally plant the note they wrote about Ronnie’s man-whoring ways and wait for the drama. Sam finds the note and confronts Ronnie about it, but no one will fess up as to who wrote it. We have to give MTV props for interplaying footage of Ronnie hooking up with other girls every time he tells Sam a lie. Really drives the point home.

Ronnie, who’s convinced the girls wrote the letter (gee, how’d he figure that one out?), gives them the silent treatment. He tries to make good with Sam, but jokes about it in the confessional interview— classy. Then when she breaks things off with him (hallelujah) he immediately runs to his little black book to and calls up a old flame. Somehow Sam is dumb enough to play into this and the two fight again. “Make up your mind, bro,” Ronnie says to Sam. Yep, she’s really lost a winner there.

What Gina’s vibin’ on: The fact that Snooki is single. She’s much more entertaining when she’s throwing herself on everyone in the Jacuzzi.

What Robyn’s hatin’ on: C’mon Sitch, the whole grenade/hippo name-calling is getting a little harsh and overplayed.



Popularity: 3% [?]

Lies? Selfishness? Betrayal? Those are all important components of a good season of Big Brother, and Wednesday’s episode delivered all of them. After the veto competition provided safety for one nominee, every member of the house made plays to influence Britney’s decision for the replacement nominee. Plus: Pandora’s Box once again brought a familiar face into the house and one of this season’s strongest bonds was tested. So, who won the veto? And which houseguests face the threat of eviction Thursday? Let’s find out.

After Britney nominates Enzo and Brendon — saying that Enzo is just a pawn — Brendon is furious that Britney chose not to honor the deal she made last week to avoid being nominated by Brendon. His chosen method of coping: putting on a sleeping mask and crying while he talks to Rachel in his head. He tells his dearly departed how hard it is to play the game when the whole house is against you. (She knows, dude.) And then he pumps himself up, promising Rachel he will overcome. He’s so excited, he tells Enzo that Britney is a lying whore, which makes Enzo question whether Britney’s promise that Enzo is just a pawn is any good. “Britney’s word is kind of like mud,” Enzo says in the diary room.

Hayden and Enzo decide that this is the week to make a power move in the house, and they both think taking Matt out now is a good idea. Lane pitches the idea to Britney, who is concerned that they are already thinking of whom to back-door rather than being focused on keeping Brendon from winning the power of veto. Britney stresses that Brendon is her target, and she won’t entertain thoughts of sending Matt home until she sees how the veto shakes out. (In fact, when Britney gets to choose a houseguest to play in the veto competition, she chooses Matt, because she thinks he is committed to getting Brendon out and will fight hard to make sure he doesn’t win the veto.)

Unfortunately, there isn’t much of a competition this week. The veto game takes place in the “BB Zoo,” and all of the houseguests are put in individual cages. Unable to see their fellow houseguests, the players are offered a series of 10 punishments or prizes. The first person to buzz in each round win the prize/punishment, but no one can see what each houseguest chooses. (And at the end, only those taking punishments are revealed) Each prize taken subtracts points from a houseguest’s veto score, while every punishment adds points. The person with most points at the end of the game wins.

Enzo, badly wanting the veto, volunteers to wear a penguin costume for a week and to give all of his clothes to charity, two of the biggest point-earning punishments. Meanwhile, Hayden cashes in, winning a Hawaiian vacation for two and $5,000, and Lane takes a call from home. Brendon, however, is the big winner, as he volunteers to shave his head, eat nothing but Big Brother slop for the rest of the summer, be handcuffed to another houseguest for 24 hours, and take a chum bath once an hour for 24 hours. (Unfortunately for Britney, Brendon chooses to be handcuffed to her, and that 24 hours coincides with the chum baths, so Britney gets a front-row seat to Brendon’s repeated dips in fish guts.)

Britney, who was already suspicious that people were thinking more about sending Matt home than evicting Brendon, is livid that people took prizes, basically forfeiting any chance of beating Brendon. While Lane confesses that he took the call from home, he tells Britney that Matt took the other prizes. (Lane is wrong, of course, because Hayden didn’t tell him otherwise.) A teary-eyed Britney promises to consider everyone as a replacement nominee, but Lane works his Southern charm, making her see this as an opportunity to get rid of Matt, a strong competitor. Lane also sweetens the deal by promising to protect Britney from Brendon next week, when she assumes he will be gunning for her.

When Britney tells Matt that she is considering putting him up as a replacement nominee, he immediately gets defensive. Britney says she won’t put up Lane because of their friendship and that it isn’t fair to nominate Ragan, who didn’t get to compete for a chance to save himself. That leaves only Matt and Hayden, and Matt instantly begins to try to persuade Britney to consider Ragan, his closest ally. Matt even asks the Brigade members to tell Britney the same thing, and they agree. Of course, secretly, the Brigade has already betrayed Matt, so they continue to tell Britney to put up Matt. Lane also again confirms that while he likes Britney, his allegiance is to the Brigade, and he will manipulate her in any way he can to get what he wants.

Britney gets a little break from the pressure when she walks into the Head of Household bedroom to find Pandora’s Box. She finds a letter that says by opening the box, Britney will receive an hour’s worth of advice from a former houseguest. She takes the temptation, but unfortunately, she is greeted by Jessie, “Mr. Pec-tactular” himself, who is there to offer her “advice” on her physique. While the two-time Big Brother loser and wannabe professional wrestler makes her lift weights for an hour, the other houseguests are treated to a tiki party in the backyard. Sorry, Brit.

As the veto ceremony draws closer, Britney reasons that if Matt would turn on Ragan as quickly as he did, how can she trust him in the future. Britney tells Ragan her predicament, hoping to keep Ragan’s trust down the line, even if she nominates his ally. When he argues that he will be the next one gone if Matt leaves, Britney also lets it slip that people are throwing Ragan under the bus. Ragan takes it all in, but he fears that Matt’s eviction will eventually haunt both him and Britney in the near future.

However, moments before the veto ceremony, Ragan asks Britney point-blank if Matt threw him under the bus, and she tells him that he did. So, when Brendon saves himself at the veto ceremony and Britney does nominate Matt as a replacement, Ragan isn’t nearly the sobbing mess that he was a week ago. “Two hours ago I would have been devastated,” Ragan says in the diary room. “Matt, I would have fallen on my sword for you, but you are just stabbing me in the back.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

“Why does everybody need to talk about everything?” — Don Draper
“I don’t know, but they do. And no matter what happens while they’re talking, they feel better when they’re done.” — Faye Miller

Clearly, Don Draper is a man who likes his privacy, but as this episode proves, sometimes baring your soul can be productive. Roger Sterling works through his long-held anger toward the Japanese thanks to a quick chat with Joan. Betty’s icy demeanor is temporarily thawed by a potential child psychiatrist for Sally. And Don lets down his guard with Faye, admitting that his divorce from Betty has been hardest on his kids.

Sally, who doesn’t have anyone to talk to about the changes going on inside her body, expresses herself by chopping off her hair and, um, “behaving inappropriately” to get some attention. Perhaps seeing the therapist four times a week will help, but for now, this little girl is as lost as her father has been over the last few weeks.

“You’re wrapping yourself in the flag so you can keep me from bringing in an account because you know every chip I make, we’re less dependent on Lucky Strike, and therefore, less dependent on you.” — Pete Campbell

Upon hearing that Pete has landed Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce a meeting with Honda about a new TV commercial for its motorcycles, Roger flatly refuses to do business with the Japanese. “I used to be a man with a lot of friends,” Roger says. “Then World War II came and they were killed by your yellow buddies.” The rest of the partners, however, agree to take the meeting, using The Chrysanthemum and the Sword as their guide to understanding the rules of Japanese culture.

Of course, Roger’s long lunch meeting doesn’t run long enough, and he interrupts the Honda meeting. Nearly every word out of his mouth is offensive. When Pete insists that the meeting is over, Roger says, “They won’t know it’s over until you drop the big one. Twice.” When the men set forth the ground rules for the firm’s presentation, Roger is even more direct. “We want it to be unconditional. …We beat you and we’ll beat you again, and we don’t want any of your Jap crap. So, sayonara.”

It’s oddly refreshing to see real emotion from Roger Sterling, whose one-liners usually keep things light, even when they’re not. Here, however, he is downright angry, and he doesn’t give a damn who knows it. Of course, some of that anger is directed at Pete, who points out that Roger is threatened by a younger generation making him irrelevant. Even Don knows this to be true, and he says so when Pete, mere seconds from being decked by Roger, says, “The rest of us are trying to build something” before slinking away.

In the end, Bert Cooper makes Roger see that his personal feelings can’t torpedo the company, and Joan refuses to listen to Roger wax nostalgic about his young soldier poet buddy, if only because she can’t stand the thought of Greg shipping out to his own war. “When did forgiveness become a better quality that loyalty?” Roger asks. Joan’s only response is the one he perhaps most wants to hear: Roger fought to make the world safer, and he did. (More Joan-Roger scenes, please!)

“The minute he declared himself the competition, we became equals.” — Don Draper

The battle for Honda’s business brings back the competitive side of Don Draper that the season premiere promised before turning him into a drunken disaster. Not only is Ted Chaough at rival agency CGC bragging to The New York Times that he is stealing Don’s clients (jai alai, Clearasil), but he’s also in the running for the Honda account. Even though Sterling’s outburst makes it all but certain that SCDP is dead in the water, Don decides to take the opportunity to swat down Chaough once and for all.

Realizing that blowing Honda’s mind with an incredible commercial won’t work — Honda insists on a $3,000 budget and no finished work; besides, Lane says that producing an ad out-of-pocket will bankrupt the company — Don lets Chaough hang himself by making him think SCDP is producing a commercial, rules be damned. It’s a delightful caper with shades of the Season 3 finale, and best of all, it worked. When Don resigns from the competition because the Honda businessmen “didn’t honor their own rules,” he makes an impression on them. And though it turns out they were never going to move their motorcycle business from Grey, Don & Co. will get the first crack at Honda’s first automobile. Don is still doing plenty of drinking this week, but he wasn’t nearly as impaired as we’ve seen recently, which is a welcome change.

“You have short hair and Daddy likes it.” — Sally Draper

Meanwhile, Don doesn’t have any idea how to deal with Sally. He admits to Faye that he doesn’t know what to do with the kids when he has them at his place, and that he is relieved when he drops them off with Betty. While he’s out on his third date (in five months) with Bethany, he comes home to find that Sally has taken scissors to her own hair. Don unfairly takes out his anger on Phoebe, who he claims wasn’t watching Sally closely enough.

Similarly, Betty misdirects her anger at Don (“I want him dead!) on Sally, who she slaps across the face and forbids from attending a sleepover. Henry, however, proves useful for something, telling Betty that she needn’t punish Sally because she is upset with Don for letting the hair-cutting happen. Betty is clearly floored by the idea that loving her daughter might prove to be the best course of action, but Henry, who raised “a delightful young woman,” knows a thing or two.

And while Sally is, as Henry’s mom said in the premiere, “terrified” of Betty, she honestly just needs someone to talk to. She brags to Phoebe that she knows about sex (“I know the man pees inside the woman,” she says. Thanks, friend at school!), and she incorrectly assumes Don and Phoebe are “doing it.” She even cuts her hair because she thinks Don likes that. But she’s rejected by Phoebe, ignored by Don and slapped around by Betty, which leads her to more acting out.

Glen Bishop may have loaded Sally’s mind with new thoughts, but it’s The Man from U.N.C.L.E. that pulls the trigger. While attending that sleepover, Sally gets caught “playing with herself” while her friend is asleep. When her friend’s mother takes Sally home, Betty threatens to cut her fingers off. “What is wrong with her?” Betty asks over and over. Again, Henry is the voice of reason, suggesting that Sally see a child psychiatrist. But it’s also a thinly veiled suggestion that Betty needs some work too. “It’s hard on the both of you,” he says, perhaps finally admitting to himself that he inherited four children instead of a wife and her three kids.

“All I wanted was long hair. In fact, when my mother was mad at me, she would threaten to cut my hair.” — Betty Draper

Betty blames Don for Sally’s “inappropriate behavior.” She claims that Sally’s masturbation is because of the whores Don parades in and out of his bachelor pad. She’s more concerned about Sally becoming a fast girl and that the neighbors will be talking than she is about her daughter’s fragile emotional state.

But when opening up to Dr. Keener (who asks Betty to call her “Dr. Edna,” like her young patients do), the blame is perhaps shifted slightly. She still cites the divorce as problem No. 1, but she also notes that Sally’s change in behavior coincided with grandpa Gene’s death. This starts a long digression about her father, the underlying message of which is that Betty hated her mother as much as Sally hates her. Even though Betty realizes that “little girls do this” — and admits that she herself outgrew her own habits — she fails to see the parallels between her own strict mother and the way she treats Sally. Fortunately, Dr. Edna picks up on it, and though Betty refuses Dr. Edna’s suggestion to see a therapist herself, she does agree to monthly checkups with Dr. Edna about Sally.

Series creator Matthew Weiner said at the beginning of this season that the writers of the show think that Betty is incapable of real change, and that she has grown the least over the show’s four seasons. It’s telling that she feels more comfortable talking to a child psychiatrist in a room full of toys than she ever did her own adult doctor in Season 1. (Also note how Betty perks up when she realizes that these chats will be held in confidence.)

A lingering shot of a dollhouse in Dr. Edna’s office is a striking image, punctuated by Betty’s smile when she first notices it. She had a dollhouse life, which, granted, has been destroyed by Don’s misdeeds. But Betty, both then and now, seems more comfortable playing pretend. And though she sometimes treats them as such, her children are not soulless plastic dolls that can be molded into whatever perfect scene plays in Betty’s head.

A few other thoughts:•

Peggy riding the Honda in circles on the empty soundstage is made of awesome.

• I loved the Japanese businessmen’s tour of the offices, particularly the poor translation and their mystification at Joan. She’s a special woman, no matter the culture. And is she just perceptive or does she speak Japanese?

• I was thankful to see Bert Cooper taking a more active role in the business this week. Last season’s finale and this season’s premiere promised as much, but that shot of him last week lounging in reception scared me.

• Speaking of Cooper, we know he has an affinity for Japanese culture. (See: his art collection and his insistence that people take off their shoes in his office.) So how has Sterling, who obviously hates the Japanese, tolerated working with the man so long?

• Did you spend hours Googling Dr. Lyle Evans, whom Roger referred to last night? I can’t find anything on him, and it seems the writers were having a joke on the viewers who seek out every reference made in the show. (The term was trending this morning in Google, and The Chrysanthemum and the Sword rocketed to the top of Amazon.)

• Glad to see Smitty still finding work, even if Chaough refers to him as “the kid who used to work for Draper.”

What did you think of the episode?

Popularity: 3% [?]

Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze sang, America voted, and American Idol crowned its ninth champion. After 14 weeks of competition and more than 500 million votes, another season came to a close with an impressive performance lineup, a few “surprise” guests, and of course, a farewell to departing crankypants Simon Cowell. But the real reason we’re here is to give someone a confetti shower, right? So let’s get to it.

For most of the night it seemed Idol forgot what decade it is. Don’t get me wrong: I love Chicago and Hall & Oates as much as the next guy, but for a show that incessantly gripes at the contestants about being current, it seemed a little hypocritical. Some quick hits from the performances:

The Idol Top 12, Orianthi, and Alice Cooper, “School’s Out for Summer”
Not even on finale night can Idol forego terrible lip-synching. Although at times it sounded like it was a mix between live singing and a prerecorded track. Several of the girls — notably Siobhan — tarted it up their matching schoolgirl outfits, but the most shocking thing about this performance was that Alice Cooper actually agreed to be on Idol.

Kris Allen, “The Truth”
Nothing much to say here. I like Kris a lot, and this song is a perfect example of who he is as an artist. Nice to have him on hand to pass the torch to this year’s winner.

Siobhan Magnus, Aaron Kelly, and Barry and Robin Gibb, “How Deep Is Your Love”
This performance was kind of a disaster for me. Aside from how scary the Brothers Gibb sounded (and looked), the whole thing was just sleepy. Siobhan was clearly milking every minute of screen time she got tonight though.

Michael Lynche and Michael McDonald, “Taking It to the Streets”
In the battle of the Michaels, Old McDonald took the trophy.

Dane Cook, “Simon Said”
Who thought this was a good idea? Yes, Simon is leaving the show, but listening to Cook singing a medley of Simon’s best insults over the years was annoying, as were Cook’s tiresome jokes about Simon’s shirt being too tight. This bit was mercifully cut short when former Idol also-ran Ian Bernardo pulled a Kanye, grabbed the mic and started babbling about how he was replacing Simon. Nice quick-cut to commercial, control room!

The Top 6 Girls, “Beautiful” and “Fighter”
Lacey Brown, Didi Benami, Katie Stevens, Paige Miles, Siobhan and Crystal teamed up for this mini-medley, which had a few too many bum notes. (This season really was disappointing, no?) One bright spot: Paige Miles blew the roof off the place. Wonder why she never did that during the show. Of course, she was shown up by Christina Aguilera, who sang two or three bars with the girls before quickly ushering them offstage to sing the snoozy “You Lost Me” from her new album. (Aside: X-Tina’s hair reminded me of Gary Oldman in Dracula. Just me?)

The Top 6 Guys, “I Can’t Go for That” and “Maneater”
I think it was right around this point that my esteemed colleague Mickey O’Connor sent me an email saying that the show totally ripped off its setlist from his iPod, which made me roll my eyes. Even when Hall & Oates broke into “You Make My Dreams Come True,” I couldn’t help but wish the results were closer to being revealed.

Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morrissette “Ironic” and “You Oughta Know”
This no-brainer pairing added a dose of energy to the proceedings, but why did Crystal and Alanis circle each other for almost the entire performance? Thankfully, they finally connected toward the end. I think Alanis was just angry at Crystal for sanitizing her song thusly: “Would she go down with you to the theater?” Heh.

Carrie Underwood, “Undo It”
Carrie rocks. ‘Nuff said.

Casey James and Bret Michaels “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”
Casey and Bret together was a surprisingly good idea, but shouldn’t Bret be in bed or something? Despite his continued hospitalizations, this guy has been all over the tube this week. I’m surprised he didn’t guide the Lost castaways into the bright light earlier this week.

Lee DeWyze and Chicago, “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is,” “If You Leave Me Now,” and “25 or 6 to 4″
Get it? Lee is from Chicago, so he played with Chicago? Again, I love this band, but this performance might have been the worst of the night. It seemed like there were sound issues, but I’m not sure even that is to blame for what was easily the least enjoyable five minutes of the overstuffed two hours.

The Top 12 and Janet Jackson, “Again,” “Nothing,” and “Nasty Boys”
Man, did Janet sound like Michael during the ballads. The performance was soft and understated, which is probably a good way for her to go, considering, you know, her most famous live performance. And even though “Nasty Boys” rocked, that jumpsuit did not.

Crystal Bowersox, Lee DeWyze and Joe Cocker, “With a Little Help from My Friends”
Which Idol producers were snickering when they thought to make Lee sing the lyric: “What would you do if I sang out of tune”? This performance was fine, but Crystal really upstaged Lee once again.

Farewell to Simon
The night was rife with silly video packages looking back at Simon’s tenure on the show. Ricky Gervais did a bit via satellite and Gen. Larry Platt did a energetic performance of “Pants on the Ground,” complete with William Hung and a new dance. But all that paled in comparison to the moment of the night: Paula Abdul returned to Idol to send Simon off.

The crowd went nuts for Paula (how’d that feel, Ellen?), and she was in her usual batty state. Ultimately, she was there to introduce a group sing of “Together We Are One” featuring all the past Idol winners (except, sadly, David Cook), dozens of other finalists and this year’s top 12.

Simon ended up on stage, and even though he admitted to being a little shocked at how emotional the moment was, you could see some genuine mistiness in his eyes. He thanked everyone and promised that the show will go on without him. And he reminded viewers  that no matter who takes his chair at the judges’ table, America is still the one who picks the winner.

Results
And with that, Ryan revealed who America chose this season. Ryan noted that there was only a 2 percent difference between the singers all season (though he didn’t give a margin of victory in the final vote or even the number of votes received). And the winner of Season 9: Lee DeWyze.

I was shocked only because of how badly Lee performed last night, but I honestly thought he had the best chance coming into finale week. (Don’t worry: Crystal will be fine. I think she suffered from peaking early and being pushed down viewers throats by the judges.) Lee has a more commercial appeal, and ultimately, Lee got by with a little help from his friends: the teen-girl voting contingency who think dreadlocks are yucky. I think it’s a shame that he has to continue singing U2’s “Beautiful Day” as his first single, as it wasn’t any better tonight. I’ll be interested to hear his first album though.

Popularity: 4% [?]

After countless auditions, weeks of voting, some show-stopping performances and some pretty awful ones, Season 9 of American Idol culminates in the Nokia Theatre for the final showdown between hopefuls Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox. So who brought the best fight to the finale and more importantly, who is going to win this thing?

Tonight’s episode completely encapsulated what this season has been to me. For every moment of brilliance on the stage tonight, there were plenty of moments of frustration. (And “frustration” isn’t a word either of these contestants should want to mess with on finale night.) Even with the fancy stage and 7,000 fans in the Nokia, there was something lifeless and boring about most of the show. But at the end of it all, I think it’s pretty clear who should win, even if it doesn’t work out that way.

This year, the singers again each chose their favorite performance from the season and gave an encore. Then, Idol executive producer Simon Fuller chose a song for each of the contestants to sing. And in a somewhat shocking move, the show decided that each singer’s would-be single will be a cover. (Hey, whatever keeps us from suffering the pain of last season’s “No Boundaries” is fine by me.) So, let’s break down the songs.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer”
After seeing Lee perform this song during his hometown visit, I thought he might do this one again for the finale. And while he sang it well (and better than the first time around), it’s not a song that screams “Vote for me!” Even though it’s clear Lee has an emotional connection to the song, his delivery didn’t indicate that he was really into the performance, and the big stage kind of swallowed him up. I guess I was expecting something a little bigger for finale night.
Judging the Judges: B+ Randy said the performance needed more energy and Ellen ignored the song to tell Lee how proud she was. Kara liked Lee’s connection, but wanted him to punch harder, while Simon compared the song to a kiss on the cheek rather than a full-on smooch.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee”
I thought Crystal sang this song better weeks ago. But unlike Lee, Crystal brought out the energy and the passion that I think she’s been missing for several weeks. Crystal rarely sings a bad vocal, and tonight was no exception. Even so, the song didn’t make me do cartwheels.
Judging the Judges: B Ellen said Crystal was compelling on stage and filled up the room. Kara said she could see the fire in Crystal’s belly and Simon called it terrific, saying Crystal was back on her game.

Lee DeWyze, “Everybody Hurts”
I really liked this song choice for Lee, and I think it was his best performance of the three, even if much of it sounded slightly karaoke and it wasn’t pitch-perfect. (Once he got going, I really dug it.) The performance didn’t feel as lazy as the first, but I think Lee might end up suffering for playing so many sleepy ballads.
Judging the Judges: B Randy thought this song showed more of who Lee is as an artist, but Ellen was frustrated that Lee never fully let go. Kara called Lee emotionally accessible and Simon, remarking on Lee’s nervousness, said Lee’s final performance needed to be a 10.

Crystal Bowersox, “Black Velvet”
I wasn’t crazy about the boisterous arrangement, but Crystal did show shades of her voice we haven’t seen this season. It was an interesting choice for her, but it worked surprisingly well. It’s always a little odd to not see Crystal with her guitar, but her soulful vocals were the star of this one, even if she sometimes strained more than necessary.
Judging the Judges: A Randy said Mamasox is in it to win it, Ellen gave Crystal a standing ovation, Kara said Crystal was killing herself to give her all, and Simon said she nailed it.

Lee DeWyze, “Beautiful Day”
Hoo-boy. For a good third of this song, Lee was absolutely lost. His vocals were beyond rough and he honestly looked like he didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing on stage. When he got to the big chorus, he fell into place, but he looked relieved just to get through the song when it ended. Also: Who picked that to be Lee’s debut single if he wins? It didn’t make sense to me, and it was just a bad note on which to end the night.
Judging the Judges: F Only Kara was brave enough to criticize Lee’s weak performance, saying the song swallowed him up. Ellen rambled about Lee’s growth and even Simon just talked about how Idol was made for turning nice guys like Lee into stars. Translation: Enjoy runner-up status. Come on, Simon, it’s your last week on the job. How about some of that trademark honesty?

Crystal Bowersox, “Up to the Mountain”
If Lee was “the boxer,” then Crystal delivered her knockout punch with this one. Her voice was so pure, and she was so vulnerable, something we haven’t seen much from her. Contrary to Lee, Crystal pulled out perhaps her best performance of the season when it really counted. Though the song has been around, I was worried because it’s not a mega-hit like the U2 song. But I think that might work in Crystal’s favor.
Judging the Judges: A Randy said it was incredible and Ellen said Crystal was in a league of her own. Kara was glad Crystal finally let her guard down, and Simon said it was outstanding.

Coming into tonight, I was certain that Lee had the edge thanks to his growing momentum over the past weeks. After tonight, I think it’s again Crystal’s competition to lose, though I wouldn’t rule anything out. Bottom line: Either would make a fine winner for this season, as they were from very early on superior to most of their competitors.

Popularity: 3% [?]

That’s it folks. The end of the end, and honestly, I don’t know where the writers will take this finale. For the first time, this season has included little rolling plots and cliffhangers. I expect something big, hilarious, epic, and mind-blowing. Bring on the funny…

We open with Michael talking to the local news station about Sabre printers catching on fire. It just so happens that our favorite boss is now a local celebrity and has the second most-watched news clip for the day. Naturally, this isn’t good enough, and he encourages his employees to watch the bit “11 times” instead of working. During the attempt, Jim, Pam and the gang are drawn toward the most-watched clip, which contains a baby otter trying to stand up. Even Michael thinks it’s cute. Guess Dunder’s boss will have to settle into the second-place chair.

Kathy Bates is back as Jo (thank God), and she is mad beyond belief. Sabre is taking a drastic hit due to their printers flaming up, literally, and she paces around the office screaming, shouting and plastering bad newspaper articles on the wall. Jo believes that some of the Dunder Mifflin employees are speaking badly of the company to the press, but Michael assures her that he knows his people well enough, and they wouldn’t do such a thing. He even knows “when their birthdays are, what their favorite flavor of cake is, what color streamers they like.”

Regardless of his thoughts, Jo is determined to catch this “whistleblower.” Michael, trying to impress the company head, says he will throw the culprit “into Montego Bay, where they keep the Al-Qaeda.” Meanwhile, as the IT guy approaches Dwight’s desk, he puts the employee in a neck-hold in order to stop him from accessing the computer. In reality, Oscar informs his peers that the IT geek was sent by corporate in order to search the employee’s computers for the possible leak to the media. Everyone is now fed up and they tell Michael that Andy is the one with the big mouth.

Jo is busy interrogating the workers, and during Dwight’s, she convinces him to buy property in order to “turn money into more money.” He seems perplexed yet intrigued. Out in the jungle of cubicles, Michael quizzes Andy, and he passes due to swearing on his parent’s undead graves. Darryl seems suspicious, and ends up admitting to spilling the beans. He was at a bar, talked to a cute girl, and in the end realized she was a copy editor for the local paper. Michael is petrified because he “swore up and down” that none of his employees committed the crime. Guess it’s time to tell Jo and her hilarious dogs (those dogs makes me laugh out loud).

In a weird turn of events, Pam confesses to Jim that she was the leak. During daycare, Pam opened her mouth and spilled secrets during an awkward conversation with another mother (whose husband ended up being a reporter). She notifies Michael, and he realizes that the count of “whistleblowers” is now at two. Our boss calls a meeting in Meredith’s van of his two fat-mouths, and the count goes up to three once Kelly announces that she tweeted, texted, iChatted, and “Woofed” (Ryan’s new social networking start-up) the Sabre information. The Mensa meeting ends in Michael trying to convince Jo that the criminals should still retain job security, but of course, the head won’t have this, and she realizes that Michael knows exactly who did it.

Jo takes Michael onto a private plane in order to get the juice, and due to his “rights,” he plays hardball. Jo tries to dig into his psyche, and Michael ends up discussing all the disappointing things that happened to him over the course of the past year (such as his favorite restaurant closing down, his new favorite restaurant sucking, and missing Holly). Back at the office, Dwight is trying to buy the Dunder Mifflin building while the Sabre HR rep tries to frame Andy and close down the investigation. Nick, the now-named IT guy, comes into announce his resignation, and informs the crew that he found letters to newspaper editors in Andy’s computer, proving once and for all that he is indeed a “whistleblower.”

In the end, Jo speaks her mind to Michael and tells him how she is petrified of ruining her reputation by issuing a public apology for the printer debacle. He understands and offers to do the “sorry” for her instead. Andy is taunted by his coworkers, packs up his things and even gets a bit of sympathy from Erin (she really does love him). Michael goes through with the apology and even says the funniest line of the season: “There will be no questions. Do I have any questions?”

So America, what have we learned in this season’s final episode? Don’t buy a Sabre printer, don’t Tweet gossip, and download “Woof” immediately because that company is going strong. It has been my pleasure to recap The Office for all of you this season, and hope to see all of you “whistleblowers” next year. Cheers.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Brace yourselves America, because you are about to watch one of the funniest episodes in Office history. Will Michael break things off with his mistress Donna? Can Dwight and Angela ever resolve their contract? How long will it be before Jim and Pam can get back into the swing of the office life? All your questions, and more, are about to be answered…

The episode opens with Toby showing the office a new series of Radon Test Kits. He wants to make sure Michael hears about them, especially because he has thrown three of them out in his office (twice by mistake, and one for “spite”). Michael tries to make a couple jokes in order to make the his employee feel stupid, but he goes way too far by saying, “If I were in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice!” Oh, Michael. Luckily, Dwight and the gang steer this awkward conversation into one about discussing curved bullets, Creed’s “favorite James Mcavoy movie Wanted, and a demonstration by Dwight.

As we found out last week, Donna, our favorite boss’ new love, was in fact married. When Michael gets his heart broken, it stalls the office, and in order to keep that from happening this time, Pam and Erin plan a party filled with special ice cream and a viewing of Mr. Bean. However, when Michael arrives to the office, he seems completely fine, and acts as if nothing is wrong. Hmm, this is strange. Something doesn’t add up.

In order to settle the dispute over their now debouched “child-rearing contract,” Angela and Dwight hire a mediator. Things are tense, as Angela vows to “own his farm” by the end, while Dwight plans to commit “legal Jujustu.” Meanwhile, Pam and Jim are confused as to why Michael is not upset, but Andy assures them that just like in the movie Big, their boss may have just matured over night.

In a stunning turn of events, the couple invites Michael over for a rousing night of Billy Joel Rock Band and fun, but he respectfully declines. Pam finally accuses Michael of staying with Donna, and he admits to his actions. He figures that because Scranton can be compared to Paris, “it is wrong for a woman to have less than four lovers.” Plus, he believes Donna’s high school baseball coach husband will never find out. To shut everyone up, Michael declares a ten-minute moment of silence for the great, late, Michael Jackson. Excuse me from this recap as I now rock out to MJ’s “PYT.”

In a last stitch effort to show Michael that he is in the wrong, Andy suggests they go to a baseball game where Donna’s husband is coaching. They head over to the event, spot the husband, and none of this gets done without Andy making a complete fool out of himself (heckling, chanting, and being completely out of hand). Back at the office, Gabe calls Jim and Pam into his office in order to scold them for dozing on the job. He also wants to talk about a certain printer virus, but as he begins to talk, Jim starts to fall asleep, again. Stay up, Jim. We don’t want you to be suspended for a second time!

During the final round of negotiations regarding the baby contract, the lawyer (after seeing the Benjamin-Button clause) decides it is quite firm, and although he can’t enforce two adults conceiving a child, he can award damages to Angela, and it is upwards of $30,000. Instead of making Dwight pay,  where the two have intercourse five times. Of course, he agrees. Let the games begin!

Back at the game, Donna’s husband, Coach Shane, is high-fiving his players and being supportive, but this infuriates Michael. Andy, being awkward as usual, approaches the coach and tries to get some information about his feelings towards Donna. After Shane figures out that Andy and Michael aren’t a gay couple (however, they are “gay for baseball”), he notifies them that he does in fact love his wife. Michael shakes Shane’s hand, and the boss feels instantly guilty for embracing a man that he is doing wrong to.

After arriving back at Dunder Mifflin, Michael hands out orange slices (courtesy of Dylan’s Mom), and the employees speak their mind. No one condones this affair, and honestly, Michael doesn’t care. In order to reward himself, he eats a piece of Meredith’s birthday cake. This inspires Ryan to feel invigorated, and he suggests a ménage à trois between him, Kelly, and Erin. Let’s just say, that doesn’t go over well.

Dwight is forced to honor his sex contract, but in order to “not give Angela the good stuff,” he drums, phonebook crushes, and microwaves his testicles. I can honestly say I have never laughed harder at a montage in The Office history. Meanwhile, Darryl informs an exhausted Jim and Pam that there is a “restful” location in the warehouse where the workers often nap. They are enticed, and race down to find their little slice of sleep heaven.

In the end, Michael’s guilt catches up with him, and he doesn’t make it to the motel to meet Donna. As Jim and Pam are trying to fall asleep in the warehouse, they hear Dwight and Angela beginning their contractual obligations (cough, cough). Also, I can honestly say this is one of my favorite episodes this series has ever produced.

So, what have we learned today America? Cheaters never prosper, a contract is a contract, and sleeping in your office can be more comfortable than your bed at home. Now, thanks to Andy’s suggestion, I’m going to go and watch Obsessed. Beyonce does really kick ass in that movie.

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