TeleChimp

Look, I don’t want to be difficult here, but at no point in the newKarate Kid does anyone learn karate. It’s kung fu. The characters call it kung fu. The film is set in China, which is where kung fu is practiced. Except for a brief instance of the kid watching some karate instruction on television, The Karate Kid contains no karate whatsoever.

I don’t ask for a lot in life. The idea of remaking a beloved film doesn’t offend me. I’m not one of those geeks who insist that remakes somehow retroactively destroy the originals. But if you’re going to remake The Karate Kid, it had DAMN WELL BETTER HAVE KARATE IN IT.

You would think this would be non-negotiable. You would think that if the screenplay replaced karate with kung fu, someone would say, “Oh, we’d better change the title to The Kung Fu Kid.” And everyone would say, “Right, right, obviously.” There wouldn’t even be a discussion.

Yet somehow it went like this:

FIRST STUDIO EXECUTIVE: It’s a remake of The Karate Kid, but instead of a high school student learning karate from an old Japanese man in Southern California, it’s a 12-year-old boy learning kung fu from an old Chinese man in Beijing!

SECOND STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Brilliant! What’s it called?

FIRST STUDIO EXECUTIVE: The Karate Kid!

SECOND STUDIO EXECUTIVE: I see no flaws in this!

(Remove clothes; roll around naked in money; end scene.)

Apart from THAT, it’s a pretty faithful remake of the 1984 favorite. The original writer, Robert Mark Kamen, gets story credit, and the screenplay (by newcomer Christopher Murphey) hits most of the same plot points and even approximates some of the dialogue. I guess if they’d called it The Kung Fu Kid, people would have thought it was a rip-off of The Karate Kid, rather than an authorized remake of it. Plus there’s the name recognition. People are predisposed to liking a movie called The Karate Kid. The fact that it DOESN’T HAVE ANY KARATE IN IT is beside the point.

Sorry. I’m trying to hold it together. Never mind the backstory. Let’s pretend you never heard of the original Karate Kid and went into this one cold. How is the movie itself? Eh, fine. Its greatest asset is Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, who seems to have inherited his dad’s effortless charm and likability. He plays Dre Parker, a 12-year-old Detroit boy who’s uprooted when his mother (Taraji P. Henson) is transferred by her company to Beijing. Dre is soon set upon by a bully his age, Cheng (Zhenwei Wang), whose kung fu instructor preaches the “no mercy” method of fighting. Moving to another country is bad enough. Now he has to get beaten up by a jerk whose language he doesn’t even speak?

Along comes Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), the maintenance man at Dre’s apartment building. He is reclusive and taciturn and not at all Jackie Chan-like. He knows kung fu, though, and he offers to train Dre so that he can face off against Cheng in an official venue, a junior tournament being held some weeks hence.

There are no surprises from that point forward if you’ve seen the original Karate Kid, and probably even if you haven’t. Dre learns lessons about life and kung fu, bonds with Mr. Han (no mention is ever made of Dre’s absent father), and we all go home happy, if not exactly overwhelmed.

The film, directed by Harald Zwart (The Pink Panther 2, Agent Cody Banks), was shot in China and makes some genuine effort to make the location part of the story, rather than just a Generic Exotic Backdrop. Most of the Chinese characters speak Mandarin, not English, adding to Dre’s sense of alienation. Meiying (Wenwen Han), a sweet girl Dre’s age, is driven by her austere parents to practice the violin constantly, suggesting the high expectations placed upon modern Chinese youth.

The only real problem with the film, other than its utter lack of karate, is its length: almost two and a half hours! Meiying, pleasant though she is, adds nothing to the main story, and a scene explaining Mr. Han’s tragic past is maudlin and unconvincing. All of that should have been cut, and the whole movie tightened up, to prevent the rambling, lackadaisical tone it wound up with. If you must remake The Karate Kid and if you must do it without including any karate, the least you can do is get us in and out of there in two hours.

Popularity: 73% [?]

Following Megan Fox’s somewhat abrupt departure from the Transformers franchise last week, there’s been much Internet speculation as to whom director Michael Bay would choose as a replacement.

Gemma Arterton, fresh from her appearance in Prince Of Persia, was thought to be in the running, while other names attached to the role included Miranda Kerr, Bar Refaeli and Brooklyn Decker.

Now, however, it appears that Bay’s selection is, in fact, none of the above. According to GeekWeek, the actor lined up to play the girlfriend role in Transformers 3 will be 23-year-old Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. If her name doesn’t sound too familiar (and we must admit, we hadn’t heard of her, either), she’s a British model whose great-great grandfather was politician Sir Herbert Huntingdon-Whiteley.

Other than the fact that she’s dating Hollywood hard man Jason Statham, Huntington-Whiteley’s acting CV seems rather thin, though her experience as a Victoria’s Secret and Pirelli calendar model probably makes her more than qualified to take on the role of Michael Bay’s eye candy in-residence.

Specific details of Huntington-Whiteley’s character have yet to be announced, but expect to see her draped over a motorcycle in a giant robot movie near you soon.

Popularity: 35% [?]

She’s graduated from St. Trinian’s, succumbed to the charms of 007, faced off against the Kraken, and will soon be seen, like, totally changing time in Prince Of Persia.
Now, Gemma Arterton faces her greatest test yet: six minutes with Den Of Geek.

How did you get involved in the film? Because we’re going back some two years, aren’t we? You’d done Quantum Of Solace by this point?

I think I’d just finished filming Bond. And I just got a phone call saying, “They want to meet you, the casting director wants to meet you for Prince of Persia.” And I thought, ‘Oh, okay.’ Because I have to say, I didn’t know about the game. And she said, “It’s quite a big deal.”

So, I went along and I met the casting director Susie Figgis, and she had a massive list on her table of other people that they were considering. And I sort of had a sneaky peek, so I knew who else was going up for it. And I thought, ‘Ooh, this must be a big deal then.’

And then she said,”‘Mike the director really wants to meet you.” so I came in and I did a reading. And I never really thought that I’d get it, to be honest with you, probably because I had seen that list. So, I sort of just went in there being myself, not too nervous, just being silly and funny. I had a really good meeting with Mike and he said to me later on that he knew then that he wanted me to do it, but it was just whether we can convince everybody that I’m the right girl for it.

It was exciting when I got it. I was in my little room in Bath where we were filming Tess of The D’Ubervilles, and my agent had tried to call me all night. I had, like, 25 missed calls. And I phoned her back and she said, “Why didn’t you answer your phone?  You’ve got Prince of Persia!”  And I just sat on my bed. I was in shock. Because I knew this was probably the part that was going to change things for me. And it’s weird the connotations that has on your life and your career. All of a sudden you’re given a phone call and that’s it.

Did you grow up watching Jerry Bruckheimer films? He’s dominated each of the last few decades – Top Gun in the 80s, Con Air in the 90s, the Pirates films in the naughties.

Yeah. You don’t even realise when you’re growing up who’s the producer on each film. And then you look at their CV and you think wow, they’ve just done these huge films.

For my generation it was the Pirates Of The Caribbean films I remember going to the cinema and seeing. The spectacle of them and how grand they were and fun. For me, it was just wow, I can’t believe it. Little old me from Gravesend in Kent is going to be in the next Pirates Of The Caribbean-style movie. It was an amazing thing to think that could that happen. [laughs]

It is a huge film but there’s a big British cast, giving it a Harry Potter feel. Or a Carry On. Did it feel like a family?

It did. And again that’s down to the casting director Susie Figgis. She’s brilliant at getting British actors involved who wouldn’t necessarily be in a Hollywood movie, like Toby Kebbell or Steve Toussaint. Which meant that even though it was this big Hollywood movie, it had this earthiness to it.

Also, aside from all the location shoots, it was filmed in London. I’d worked with a lot of the crew on Bond, so I already had a relationship with a lot of them and it felt more familiar. It wasn’t as nerve-racking as I thought it would be. And it was nice. I was able to go home. I could have a normal life while filming this crazy film.

And when you weren’t in London you were filming in Morocco. Can you have a laugh between takes in a desert at 120 degrees Fahrenheit?

Oh, I have a laugh anywhere I go. [laughs] I refuse to be serious. It was hot, but we all knew it was going to be hot. It was full on, especially for the crew.

I mean, us actors we get it easy. We’re fed and watered all day, but they were out there in the sun. At one point it was 50-something degrees Celsius It was ridiculously hot, but it was brilliant. And it was a British crew. They like to have a muck around. They take their job seriously, but they like to have fun. I think it’s important.

Why do a job that’s hard on yourself? You’ve got to enjoy it at the same time.

I read that there was a Snake Dude on set whose job it was to round up the snakes at the start of every day.

[Incredulously] Was there?!

He must have done his job pretty well, then.

Yeah, I didn’t know that guy was there. [laughs] There are all these snakes in the film, but I never came into contact with one because they always used the green sock. Which is the CGI snake, which is quite funny.

In the scene where I have a snake go over my body when I’ve been knocked out, I had the giggles. Because there’s this little green sock [laughs], which was stuffed.  And they had it on an invisible green string, and there was somebody that would puppeteer it. I’m lying there and this little green sock comes up my body. It was meant to be really, really scary and it was just really comical.

You’ve just done Alice Creed, which has recently come out. Was that a deliberate reaction, to do something much smaller and intimate?

Yeah, I think so. I never expected I’d end up in a film like this, or Bond, or Clash Of The Titans. I always imagined myself doing [Alice Creed] sort of films.

I always want to do things that are completely the opposite of what I’ve just done. It makes my job much more enjoyable. It was kind of the polar opposite, in terms of the budget and the style. It’s still good quality work, it’s just a very different discipline.

We had four weeks to shoot it, whereas on Prince Of Persia we had six months. So you have the luxury, or not. Sometimes having too much time and money is not a luxury in a way. But it was really interesting to go from one to another. I’m lucky I’ve been able to do both. I hope I can continue to do that.

Popularity: 32% [?]

Iron Man 2 is the perfect way to kick off the summer of 2010 movie season which, frankly, is something I didn’t anticipate I’d be saying. Why? Because the trailers for Iron Man 2 turned me off. Love Robert Downey Jr and I gave the first Iron Man movie a B+, but the trailers for Iron Man 2 lacked the humor of the first film. In its place the trailers served up what appeared to be battling robots. All I could think was, “Is this a teaser for an Iron Man movie or Transformers 3?” However, those trailers were completely misleading and, thankfully, Iron Man 2 is as good as its predecessor – and in some ways even better.

And here’s the deal, my other worry was that Iron Man 2 would just be used to set-up The Avengers and that the story would suffer from doing so. This was a case of hearing too much about a film before seeing it. Where normally I pay no attention to advance reviews – I, like I assume most critics do, refuse to read any reviews before I write my own – it was impossible to escape the blurbs declaring this a filler between the first Iron Man and the 2012 release of The Avengers. And because I know nothing – I repeat, nothing – about the source material other than what I’ve learned from the film adaptations, I figured I’d be completely lost watching a movie loaded with references comic book fans would understand but that would go right over my head. Wrong again. Iron Man 2 does set-up The Avengers, but it does so in an unobtrusive, oh by the way manner that’s organically woven into the story. There’s a reason Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) is in Iron Man 2, and it’s not just Avengers-related.

So if you, like I, were worried that as a person who doesn’t read comic books Iron Man 2 was going to let you down, relax. Iron Man 2 delivers the goods, and the action/CGI – my chief complaint about the first movie – is infinitely better this time around. It’s like night and day, and in fact the robots surrounding Iron Man and War Machine scene from the trailer turned out to be one of my favorites.

Popularity: 22% [?]

The race for the No. 1 slot this weekend was a close one, but Date Night is claiming victory with an estimated $27.1 million gross over Clash of the Titans‘ $26.8 million take (although that could all change by tomorrow morning when the true numbers are reported). Date Night, which marks a new box office opening weekend record for Tina Fey, scored a B with audiences, according to exit pollster Cinemascore. The PG-13 rated comedy about a married couple caught up in a case of mistaken identity is not a career high for Fey’s co-star Steve Carell. That honor goes to 2008’s Get Smart, which opened to $38 million on its way to $130 million. Carell’s box office prowess will be tested again shortly when Dinner for Schmucks, where he plays opposite Paul Rudd, debuts in July. Clash’s numbers represent a 56 percent drop at the box office, quite steep for the swords and sandals epic starring Sam Worthington. The film has now grossed $110 million after two weekends of release, with its 3-D theaters accounting for approximately 43 percent of the gross.

Third place went to the animated kid flick How to Train Your Dragon. While the Dreamworks Animated film opened below many expectations, it has held on quite well in the subsequent weeks. Grossing $25.3 million with a remarkably small 13 percent drop, the Jay Baruchel-voiced flick has now earned $133.9 million after three weekends in theaters. Spot four goes to Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too, which is also in a horse race for the frame against Miley Cyrus’ romance Last Song. Estimates give the advantage to Perry, with Lionsgate reporting an $11 million gross. That figure represents a steep 62 percent fall for the Janet Jackson-starring sequel, putting its two-week take at $48.5 million. Cyrus walked away with another $10 million for her second weekend in theaters. The PG-rated film, based on the Nicholas Sparks novel, fell only 37 percent, putting its cume at $42.4 million in two weekends in theaters.

Alice in Wonderland continues to perform solidly. The film may be in its sixth weekend in release, but with a scant 32 percent drop, it managed to hold onto a sixth slot in the top 10 rankings with another $5.6 million. The Tim Burton-directed fantasy has now grossed $319 million since bowing in March. Spot seven went to MGM’s Hot Tub Time Machine. The 1980s nostalgia fest fell only 33 percent since last weekend, earning an additional $5.4 million. The John Cusack-starrer has now grossed close to $37 million since it bowed three weekends ago. The Bounty Hunter took the eighth spot for the frame, grossing another $4.3 million for a four-weekend gross of $56 million. Ninth place belonged to Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which fell 23 percent its fourth weekend in theaters. The PG-rated kid flick grossed an additional $4.1 million and has now earned $$53.7 million.

Spot 10 was the only other surprise of the frame. It belonged to the Christian-themed Letters to God, which only opened in 895 theaters. Still, the film managed to land in the top 10, with a weekend take of $1.1 million. The overall box office was down a bit compared to last year at this time, when Miley Cyrus dominated Easter weekend with her feature film Hannah Montana. Stay tuned for next weekend, when Kick-Ass comes storming into theaters.

Popularity: 16% [?]