TeleChimp

Siobhan Magnus’ performance of “Any Man of Mine” will find its way through the darkness, and a high, piercing sound will cut the silence. One of the beings will say, “I have no idea what that was.” And the other will respond, “Neither do I. But at least it wasn’t pitchy.”

Once destined to make it to the final two on American Idol, Siobhan Magnus ended her run on a sad night that proved to me just why I never listen to contemporary country music. I had high hopes for Siobhan, ever since I learned she was a glass-blowing apprentice from Cape Cod. I’ve said it before: Talented and eccentric, she was exactly the kind of girl I would have loved from afar in high school. Having spotted and possibly obsessed about her shoulder tattoo, I would have searched out a first edition of Edward Gorey’s The Gashlycrumb Tinies and secretly left it by her locker. Just to see that smile (high school was tough for me).

Of course, such idealization invariably leads to disillusionment. Early in the season, I loved what Siobhan did with Stevie Wonder’s “Living For the City” and Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” Then she became famous for the Big Note, and that was her downfall. It became both a trademark and a crutch and Siobhan has enough talent that she didn’t need to resort to gimmicks. Yes, she consistently hit (and held) those notes, but they almost seemed to exist outside the songs she was singing. Meanwhile, her song choices no longer reflected her originality. A Mariah song? A Whitney song? “Any Man of Mine”? That’s all Kellie Pickler territory.

Here’s hoping that, freed from the confines of Idol and the wrath of the teen texters, Siobhan will again find her true voice. I’m rooting for her. In the meantime, here are a few more observations from results night:

The FCC must act now: Considering the vampire-themed Ford video and the endless Shrek promotion that dominated the early portion of the show, from now on results night should open with the advisory, “IDOLMERCIAL WARNING: The following program may contain graphic scenes of shameless shilling that may be unsuitable for viewers who fast-forward through commercials.”

When did Simon LeBon join Rascal Flatts? Their lead singer looked suspiciously like the Duran Duran frontman, years downstream from “Rio.”

The Sons of Sylvia must change their name: Disappointing. I was looking forward to a klezmer band. Back in my neighborhood, Sylvia’s sons were named Shmuley, Fyvush, and Yankel.

Someone needs to drive a stake through the heart of the vampire trend: Please, enough. We learned that Aaron Kelly has never been a vampire before, probably because he still has his baby fangs. I’m also wondering just what “pent-up darkness” the director was saying the Idols could tap into. Maybe Tim Urban had some, but not Big Mike.

Nothing says “romantic duet” like drink-fueled lust: I actually enjoyed “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum. Nice harmonies and everything, although the emotional longing was undermined a bit by the song’s drunk-dialing dynamic.

Shakira, the presidential historian: She’s definitely big on Theodore Roosevelt. Not only did she quote him last night, but he was also the inspiration for “Hips Don’t Lie.”

Popularity: 20% [?]

In its third season, Lisa Kudrow’s brilliantly satirical Web series about delusional online (and unaccredited) therapist Fiona Wallice has taken flight. While viewers once simply watched Fiona’s webcam sessions with gullible clients, now the show — which just got picked up by Showtime .

Features her video chats with the woman who tried to seduce Fiona’s (possibly gay) politician husband; his passive-aggressive campaign manager; and — praise be to the comedy gods — her psychiatrist sister, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. If you haven’t made an appointment yet for a little Web Therapy, it’s time you did

Popularity: 12% [?]

Perennial troublemaker Naomi is finally made to pay for her most recent sin with a sentence of community service and a public apology, but will anyone be paying attention? These kids have other things on their minds: Silver is meeting Teddy’s movie-star father (Ryan O’Neal) for the first time; Liam and his daddy (Scott Patterson) are trying to bond; and Dixon is digging himself into gambling debt. Things are cooking for the adults, too: Debbie and Harry’s marital problems come to the fore after Debbie makes a confession.

Popularity: 11% [?]

In past seasons, the off-camera lives of the ladies have seemed far more interesting than the ones portrayed on the show. But this season, MTV promises to cover the topics that have filled the tabloids, including Heidi’s numerous plastic surgeries and Kristin’s rumored drug problem. In fact, both are addressed in the sixth — and final — season premiere, which finds Heidi — and her brand new face — heading home to Colorado, and Kristin celebrating the Super Bowl in Miami, where her hard partying becomes a concern to her cast mates.

Popularity: 10% [?]

The 23-year-old bartender from Dacula, GA became the eighth girl eliminated from America’s Next Top Model’s fourteenth season during last night’s broadcast of The CW reality competition series.

“I’m very disappointed about not going to New Zealand with the other girls. I would love to. I’ve never been out of the country,” said Anslee after her ouster.

“I am excited to be able to see my child of course, but I’m devastated that I feel like I let her down. I made it way further than I ever would guessed I would have made it. There were hundreds and hundreds of girls I tried out with to get here. To me, that’s accomplishing something. It may not have been all the way like I wanted to go, but it’s accomplishing something.”

America’s Next Top Model’s seventh fourteenth-season episode began following the previous elimination of Brenda Arens. With only seven girls remaining, Anslee realized that the end was in sight.

“I’m not only here for my own dreams and I’m not only here for myself, but I’m here to potentially give my husband and my child a better life that they deserve,” said Anslee.

The next morning, the seven remaining girls were met by The City star Whitney Port and agent Pat Cleveland. Whitney explained that she’d be taking the girls out and they’d be wearing something from her Whitney Eve collection, while Pat would be speaking with each individually to learn more about them.

The girls then arrived at a drag queen bar, where they were introduced to a drag queen version of Tyra Banks and mentor J. “Miss J” Alexander. Miss J explained that the girls would be competing in a challenge in which each would be walking the runway before the audience voted for their favorite.

Krista, a 26-year-old retail manager from Pine Bluff, AR, was awarded the challenge victory after receiving the loudest applause from the audience. She won a several pieces from Whitney’s collection.

Back at the loft, Anslee was upset she lost the challenge but happy she “stayed true” to herself.

“In the end, that means a lot more to me,” she said.

The next morning the girls were ready to leave for their photo shoot — except for Alasia, an 18-year-old student from Marietta, GA, who was running behind. Sick of waiting, the girls left the loft without her.

“I’m about to be in so much trouble,” she opined. “I don’t want to get in trouble and then — oh my gosh — what if that causes me to get sent home or something. I don’t want to get sent home because I’m late.”

She eventually made it downstairs and got in the limousine.

The girls then arrived at their shoot, where they were met by Top Model photo shoot director Jay Manuel and photographer Jerry Metellus. Jay explained for their next shoot, the girls would be wearing outfits made entirely of hair. The girls would be divided into two teams for the shoot, one of which would be led by hairstylist Weaven Steven while the other would be led by hair stylist Derek J.

Weaven’s team consisted of Krista, Anslee, Angelea, a 23-year-old answering service operator from Buffalo, NY, and Raina, a 22-year-old student from Minnetonka, MN. Derek J’s team consisted of Alasia, Alexandra, a 21-year-old student from Kerrville, TX, and Jessica, an 18-year-old model from Conway, AR.

“This photo shoot, I’m going to listen to what Mr. Jay has to say, but I’m also going to put my own twist and my own spin on what he has to say,” said Anslee. “I want to prove to my family and my daughter that I can do this.”

Her shoot commenced, and Jay advised her to not be “over conscious of selling the arm piece” and to be a “little more effortless.”

“I think every now and then Anslee forgets about her body positioning,” said Jay. “I don’t think she understands the true essence that you expect of a top model.”

Alexandra knew it was also “imperative” for her to do well during the shoot — however her twisting in front of the camera didn’t sit well with Jay. Alexandra subsequently complained that it was hard to get her hair dress to move, which Jay disputed.

“Alexandra is getting a lot of critique right now, and she is starting to break down,” said Raina. “At this point in the competition she cannot afford to get in a rut.”

Jay thought Alexandra looked like “a fish out of water.”

“She not only did not know how to move the dress, she totally forgot how to model period,” said Jay.

“Definitely struggling through a photo shoot isn’t something you want ever — especially now,” she opined. “It was really crucial for me to do really well because I haven’t won yet. It’s just really frustrating.”

The photo shoot ended and the girls returned to the loft, aware that they’d be attending panel the next day.

“Deep down inside, I am nervous about elimination this week,” said Anslee.

“The realistic side of me knows that I’m not out of the woods yet, but I don’t want to think about that. I’m either going to be in the middle, or I’m going to be on top.”

The girls then arrived for the next judging panel — where they would be critiqued by America’s Next Top Model creator and lead judge Tyra Banks, photographer Nigel Barker, Vogue editor-at-large Andre Leon Talley, and Whitney. Before panel commenced, Tyra revealed that the six girls remaining after the elimination would be traveling to New Zealand.

Anslee immediately ran into problems when her photo was unveiled, as Andre said he was bothered by her “stereotypical” point of the toe on her left leg, which he called “cliche.” Nigel liked the “strength” in her face.

“You look a little stiff,” added Whitney. “Your shoulders look a little uncomfortable.”

Tyra thought Anslee didn’t take enough risks.

Alexandra also ran into some trouble, as Nigel thought she looked “shell-shocked” because she looked straight into the camera.

“I think your hand look very awkward — it’s almost like you were trying to do a dance that maybe is not a dance,” added Andre. “Although your face is quite beautiful.”

Tyra agreed about Alexandra’s face.

“But I wish that you would have had your head closer to camera,” she added. “Push your head forward and it will make your head be the same proportion as your body.”

The other five girls also received critiques before the judges began to deliberate their decision.

“Anslee was probably my least favorite,” said Whitney. “I didn’t like her body, her hands are awkward, her legs are awkward. I love her face, but other than that she wasn’t selling the outfit for me.”

Whitney also thought that Alexandra’s pose was “off.”

“She obviously is not connecting what she thinks she’s doing to what she’s actually doing,” she said.

However Tyra thought Alexandra’s face was “divine.”

The judges then met with the girls and revealed that Krista had the best photo of the shoot and learned she’d be flying first class to New Zealand. They then revealed Angelea, Raina, Jessica and Alasia were safe — leaving Anslee and Alexandra in the bottom two.

“Anslee the judges find your face to be so stunning, but they fear you might be just a beauty model — meaning a model that only models from the chest up. For some reason, when the camera pulls far away and gets you from head-to-toe, it becomes a little bland. But the judges wonder, do you need a little bit more practice?” said Tyra.

“Alexandra takes pretty decent pictures — not amazing — but pretty decent pictures. Then every now and then, a picture that’s absolutely stunning. But the judges are feeling a lack of drive and lack of desire to be in this competition.”

Tyra then revealed Anslee was eliminated.

Popularity: 15% [?]

After a season of challenges, curveballs and critiques, the final three Project Runway contestants — Mila, Seth Aaron and Emilio — faced off at Bryant Park Fashion Week during the Season 7 finale.

Project Runway’s Mila: I got a “bitchy edit”

The competition began with the designers sizing up each other’s collections before selecting their models and having their hair and makeup consultations (complete with shameless product placement).

The morning of the show, the designers scrambled to perfect their looks, and both Mila and Emilio freaked about their no-show models and rushed to find replacements.

First to show was Seth Aaron, whose collection was inspired by 1940s German and Russian military. Mila’s shadow-inspired designs were next, followed by what Emilio described as his “Color Me Bad” collection.

Project Runway’s Emilio: I focused on challenges, not what I was saying

The designers faced the judges — with country singer Faith Hill serving as guest judge.

Here’s how things panned out during deliberation:

The judges were happy that Mila finally loosened up, and they loved her modern mix of textiles. But overall, they found her collection wasn’t very surprising.

With Seth Aaron, they were impressed as to how much more polished and luxurious-looking his designs were, while still maintaining his edgy flavor. His final purple dress, however, was a bit too costumey for their taste.

Project Runway’s Seth Aaron: Tim helped me raise the bar

Emilio’s flowing green dress floored the judges, but they found the rest of the collection was more quiet and commercial than they had hoped for.

The first designer dismissed was Mila, leaving Seth Aaron and Emilio. And in the final moments of the episode, Seth Aaron was crowned the champion. (Going into the competition, 69 percent of TVGuide.com users said they wanted to see Seth Aaron win.)

What do you think of judges’ decision? Weigh in on which look of the evening was your favorite and what you think of the winner below!

Popularity: 14% [?]

Cartoon Network unveiled plans for a 25 new shows and many more returning programs targeted at young boys for next fall. Among the highlights announced Wednesday:

NEW

– Hall of Game, the network’s first awards show to honor sports personalities, will feature a full red-carpet presentation also featuring celebrities from movies, music and television. It’s scheduled for early 2011.

– The Looney Tunes Show is a 3-D reimagining of the classic ‘toon for the CGI-animation generation. A fully rendered sneak preview of the new Road Runner was slick and sculptural, like the movie Ice Age, but kept the bird’s legs a decidedly low-tech blur.

Cartoon Network renews Robot Chicken

– Scooby-Doo Mystery Incorporated, a similar update of the groovy Hanna-Barbera sleuth series.

– Tower Prep, a live-action mystery series about a rebellious teen who is forced to enroll in a secret boarding school for kids with supernatural gifts (think X-Men meets Harry Potter).

– Firebreather, a special movie event that sounds like Teen Wolf, except the half-human high school kid’s dad is a dragon, thus giving him the titular very special ability.

– Generator Rex, a new series from the creator of the successful Ben 10 franchise.

– The network also announced that it is developing a series of 15-minute blocks of animated shows designed to capture kids’ short attention spans.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Laurence Fishburne has signed on for another season of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The Emmy-winning actor, who replaced William Petersen on the CBS drama this season, is now contracted through the 2010-2011 season.

CSI’s George Eads: Dr. Jekyll will make your hair stand up

The Season 10 finale, airing Thursday, May 20 (9/8c), will find Fishburne’s Dr. Langston facing off against two serial killers, leading up to a deadly cliff-hanger.

Reps for the CBS series and Fishburne did not immediately respond to TVGuide.com’s request for comment.

Popularity: 22% [?]

Demi Lovato, who will be checking into Grey’s Anatomy for May sweeps, has dished out a first look at her role.

The 17-year-old Sonny With a Chance star tweeted a photo of her character, a possibly schizophrenic patient being treated by Alex Karev (Justin Chambers).

Demi Lovato checks in to Grey’s Anatomy

Lovato tweeted in March that she was “so thrilled” to fulfill “one of my biggest dreams” by guest-starring on the ABC medical drama.

Are you excited for Lovato’s turn on Grey’s?

Popularity: 16% [?]

Something happened every so often on most of the shows that would signal that the writers were out of ideas: A serial killer would appear and start offing people. And, truly, the bar was low for those shows, but the murderous storyline would land like a big ol’ pointless ton of bricks. So what was that thud you just heard on Wisteria Lane? Yup, the once-hot Desperate Housewives just landed  its own serial killer storyline. Wah-wah…

Granted, the Fairview serial killer has been terrorizing the town since early in the season when Julie nearly bit it and that one coffee shop girl died. But last night, it finally heated up and we learned the identity of the killer: Preston’s shaggy-haired friend, a character whose name wasn’t even uttered during the sub-par episode. The storyline strikes me as strange because I don’t feel much affinity for this serial killer — or the women he’s targeted so far. Julie? I could take her or leave her — she’s mostly annoying and seems so inconsequential. The coffee shop girl? I didn’t even know who she was. And Preston’s former fiancé Irina? Good riddance to bad rubbish! (Last night’s hour only sealed my hatred for her, what with her continual plot to screw over Preston and all.) Why, exactly, should I care that this guy is killing non-important characters on Wisteria Lane? If anyone can tell me that, I’m honestly all ears.

I suppose I’m expected to shake in anticipation of the moment — soon maybe? — when Preston’s shaggy-haired friend tries to kill one of the ”important” ladies on the street. From what EW scoopmaster Michael Ausiello has told us, it sounds like Lynette is the person who will take the brunt of this kid’s future plans in the season finale when she’s delivering her baby. But, c’mon, in the end, we all know none of the four principal ladies will bite it.

Popularity: 18% [?]